Is Your Search For A Soulmate Making You Miserable?

By

Is Your Search For A Soulmate Making You Miserable?
Sometimes you find your soulmate when you are not looking for him at all.

Do soulmates exists? That depends on how you define it.

According to a 2011 poll, 73 percent of Americans believe in having one true soulmate. But does holding out for your perfect partner keep you from forming a connection with someone who could grow to be right for you over time?

There's a difference between visioning perfection and finding it — I always have my coaching clients create a vision of their soulmate or ideal partner. This is not, however, for them to hold out for someone who checks every box on an idealized list. Visioning helps open you up to possibility and tune you in to be looking for those important qualities rather than just following for physical attraction alone.

Psychologists warn that people who are seeking romantic destiny are too quick to move on — Dr. C. Raymond Knee published his theories of relationships in 1998 that those who are looking for their perfect soulmate become attracted to someone initially but then when problems arise, as they inevitably do, they are very quick to throw in the towel and move on. Those who believed in the alternative theory — that relationships develop over time — had much higher likelihood of being in a satisfying long-term relationship.

God is busy, so what plan do you have for yourself? If you believe God or the Universe or another outside force bringing your soulmate to you is the only way you will find it, you never have to take responsibility for your own actions. This means that if you don't find a satisfying relationship then you can place the blame outside yourself. If you coast through life avoiding risk and vulnerability, you might save yourself the grief of a breakup but also deprive yourself of a beautiful, loving relationship.

The method I recommend in my book Spin Your Web is to apply the same sort of focus and attention to your love life that you would anything else you want in life. If you are unhappy in your job, you don't just wish and pray that a new job will appear, you send out resumes, asks for referrals, search job sites. What if you led your dating life in the same way?

  • Could your soulmate be your best friend rather than your lover? Romantics have the idea a soulmate must be someone with whom they share an intimate physical relationship but soulmate is most often defined as a deep, intuitive connection without the mention of it being a love connection. Sometimes this closeness can be better achieved with a lifelong friend than a romantic partner because you can connect on a deep intellectual and spiritual level without the complexity of a sexual relationship. Keep reading ...

More soulmate advice from YourTango:

GET MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS IN YOUR INBOX!

Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB