5 elements of intimacy that, when practiced bring you to that place of total kindness and caring.
Much of the time, when something in a relationship isn’t going the way you would like it to, the focus is on the other person. What they are doing wrong. Why they need to do something differently. How they need to change. The result of this is often more tension, more frustration and less than positive results. The reality is, you are the most important ingredient in your relationship and YOUR choice can create a different outcome.
The word ‘intimacy’ has all sorts of definitions. For some, intimacy is about sex. For others, it’s about closeness and open communication. Whatever your definition may be, most people have concluded that intimacy is something that occurs with another person. I have a different point of view. From my perspective, intimacy is the place where you have no judgment. It’s the place of total kindness and total caring, and while it can be shared with another, it starts with you.
There are 5 elements of intimacy that, when practiced bring you to that place of total kindness and caring.
To honor is to treat with regard. What would it look like for you to honor you? If you were treating you with regard, what would you choose?
One way you can honor you is to choose to do the things that are nurturing to you and your body. What do you enjoy doing? What lifts you up? Being in nature? Going for a jog? Reading? Painting? Whatever it may be, when you take time to do those things, you are treating yourself with regard. You are honoring you.
People often mistake trust for blind faith. They are not the same. Trust is having your own back. Trust is having clarity on what works for you, what doesn’t work for you, what you desire as your life and then choosing it; no matter what.
Often, especially in relationships, we look around at what others are doing, we look at the relationships they are choosing, and then we try to mimic that. What if what works for you is different than what works for others? Would you be willing to look at what you truly desire and then to choose it? That’s what trust for you is all about. Knowing what you know and then choosing it.
Choosing for you is not about choosing against someone else. You don’t kick everyone out and exclude them. You are simply including you in the choices of your life rather than following what everyone else says is good, right and true.
Allowance is the place where everything is just an interesting point of view. The minute you go into judgment, you’re out of allowance and out of intimacy. For example, if you choose to eat two extra servings of dessert today and you start judging how bad, awful and wrong that choice was, how fat you’re going to get and how you have no self-control, stop and say, ‘Interesting point of view. I have that point of view.’ As you continue to say this, the judgmental point of view that you are functioning from becomes simply interesting and when it’s just interesting, you can let it go.
What if you were in allowance of all the choices you’ve ever made? What if you didn’t judge any choice you will make in the future? If you didn’t have to fight against yourself, if you didn’t have to judge you, how much more joy and ease would you have?
When you are in allowance you are like the rock in the stream. Everything flows around you. You don’t get washed away with the points of view of others. You are simply, ‘Interesting point of view’ for everything that shows up.
True vulnerability is walls down, barriers down, defenses down… here I am, warts and all. In vulnerability, there is no hiding and no pretending. It’s the ability to be totally present with whatever is.
Vulnerability has been misidentified as weakness but the opposite is true. Vulnerability is the ultimate potency because when you are not protecting yourself, or defending yourself, you are totally aware of everyone and everything around you. And, when you are aware of what’s going on around you, you know when you need to move out of the way to avoid an attack.
People often think that if they are vulnerable, they will be hurt more. Reality, the more vulnerable you are, the more wiling you are to be there with no barriers, the less hurt you get. How can you hurt the marshmallow man? You can’t. He bounces back.
Every day, for the next seven days, write down three things that you are grateful for about you. It’s so easy to judge ourselves. It’s what we are taught to do. It’s what most of the world does. But, contrary to popular opinion, judgment doesn’t cause you to be greater, to accomplish more. It diminishes you and makes you small.
Gratitude is the anecdote to judgment. The cannot exist at the same time. The more you practice gratitude for you, the less you will judge you. The less you judge you, the more ease and joy you will have in your life.
There is a greater possibility in relationship. If you will stop focusing on your partner, if you will stop focusing on the relationship and instead, put into practice these 5 elements of intimacy with you, your life will change for the greater. And, if a relationship is something you choose, it will too.
Dr. Dain Heer is an internationally renowned author, speaker and facilitator of consciousness and change. Co-creator of Access Consciousness, Dr. Heer invites people to embrace their true greatness—people from every culture, country, age and social strata of society. Originally trained as a chiropractor, he has a completely different approach to healing by facilitating people to tap into and recognize their own abilities and knowing. He is the author of 9 books including, Being You, Changing the World, which is now an international bestseller. A guest on hundreds of nationally syndicated radio and TV shows including Fox News and Gaiam TV, Dr. Heer also hosts a regular radio show called Conversations in Consciousness. www.drdainheer.com