Commitment Phobia: Learn How to Spot and Deal with It
By D. Kay Hutchinson. Posted on .
Have you ever dated a man who says he adores you and thinks that you are the one woman with whom he wants to spend his life, yet as the relationship progresses, he begins to withdraw and spend less time with you? If so, you may be dating a man who has subconscious fears around commitment.
Ready for Deep Love
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It is natural that when a man is truly ready for a more deeply committed love relationship that his behaviors will reflect an alignment with the heart’s open energy and desire to become closer to you. He:
• Will see you more frequently than he did when you were casually dating.
• Will readily complement you and share how he feels, versus expecting you to be a mind reader and guess what he is feeling about you.
• Will want to introduce you to his co-workers, family and friends (yes, even his guy buddies) since you are becoming an integral part of his life.
• Will make more effort to show you his romantic side and creatively demonstrate how much he loves you with flowers, special date plans or other expressions of romance even if he is not by nature a “romantic” person.
• Is interested in and asks what pleasures you in a relationship and feels joy in engaging those things without feeling obligated or pressured to do them.
• Will want to talk about the relationship to work out differences and celebrate similarities.
• Is comfortable expressing his desires and wants.
• Readily reciprocates gestures and behaviors that express love.
• Will want to have a more shared space in terms of living arrangements, so that you both can spend more time and live a more integrated life together.
Not Ready for Deep Love
When a man is not truly ready for a committed relationship or has parts of self that feel uncomfortable or trapped when a relationship progresses, his behaviors will not match his expressions of love. He:
• Will cancel, forget or change plans for dates at the last moment on a regular basis, or invite others along on romantic dates effectively sabotaging “romantic time.”
• Will be more aloof and withhold romantic courtship and courteous behaviors (e.g. giving flowers or other romantic gifts, sharing complements and planning romantic dates) saying, “I’m just not the romantic type.”
• Will put a higher priority on spending time with other people in his life than with you, even if you’ve made plans to see each other.
• Will not introduce you to his friends or invite you further into his world. For instance, when you pick him up at work, he will meet you outside instead of inviting you into the office to meet his co-workers. He will say he wants to introduce you to friends, but will not actually invite you to do so.
• Will not naturally reciprocate romantic efforts sexually. Yes, he may be a wonderfully sexy or passionate lover but he goes to no special effort to celebrate your lovemaking. While you may invest energy to buy sexy lingerie and set the environment for deliciously erotic experiences, a man who is not truly comfortable with embracing the depth of connecting with you, will not reciprocate such efforts.
• Cannot communicate to you a clear or detailed vision of a shared life together but he may share this with other people. So others perceive him as the perfect boyfriend who truly wants a life with you, but yet he withholds such visions from you.
• Will want to keep your home spaces and lives very separate. He will hesitate to leave any personal items at your house or spend the whole night with you, or if he does stay over, he feels as if it is something that he “has” to do to please you rather than it being a natural thing that he wants to do for himself to be closer with you.
• Feels boxed in or obligated if you demonstrate that you love him with gifts or tender gestures, and resists reciprocating such efforts.
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