Mistake 2: Comparing Your Date to Your Ex. One of the most common mistakes in dating is to share comments that compare your current dating partner to your ex. Comparisons may include comments such as: "Oh wow, you look just like my ex." "The way you speak reminds me of my ex." "When you tilt your head as you talk, it reminds me of my ex." "You have the same build as my ex." Or worse: Your date might accidentallly call you by his ex's name.
Comparisons to your ex immediately discounts the uniqueness of the person in front of you and says, "I am seeing you through a lens of comparison to someone else whom I was intimate with, rather than accepting you for your unique self." Sharing that comparison can lead some people into talking about their ex, and rehashing the previous relationship. This is another major dating no-no. It's certainly not the way to start a new relationship.
Years ago, I remember going on a blind date with a man who looked identical to my ex-husband. Of course, I noted the similarity in my own mind, but also said to myself, "This is not my ex, so I am going to look for and focus on qualities that are unique to this wonderful man. I'm going to enjoy him for who he is."
My date felt flattered that I observed and shared the many unique things that I found attractive about him. This process of observing and sharing was also beneficial for me, because it affirmed that I had indeed processed all my feelings about my ex, and was in a good place to move forward in dating. I could do this without comparing new people in my life to my ex.
If you find yourself making comparisons to your ex in the early stages of dating, there is a good chance that you will project whatever unprocessed feelings you have about your ex onto your new dating partner, especially when you hit your first few bumps in the relationship. You might imagine that your dating partner is exhibiting the behaviors or attitudes that your ex did during difficult moments, and find yourself reacting to him or her as if that person is your ex. This type of of projection can ruin relationships.
If you find yourself comparing your dating partner to your ex on a regular basis, you might want to schedule a life coaching session with me to find out why the comparison is happening. Or perhaps, choose someone to date that doesn't trigger the comparisons.
Mistake 3: Poor Follow-Up. You've had that first date and are feeling intrigued. You've also been told the feeling is mutual. Excitement is high, and you're really looking forward to seeing your date again.
Then you hear, "Er...let's have a coffee or dinner some day" and no specific plans are offered. Screeech--listen to the sound of the breaks being hit hard! This kind of vague offer to get together again communicates several things: lack of interest, lack of confidence, and a lack of desire with making solid plans.
If you are truly excited to see your date again, be very specific. "I am really into you and cannot wait to see you again. How about Wednesday night at 5:30pm? Can I take you to dinner?" Nothing is more attractive and sexy than a person who is able to express confidence and comfort with setting up a date in a very specific way.
Also, know that if you get into a habit of accepting dates with people who make vague plans, you are effectively "teaching that person," as Dr. Phil would say, "I am not worthy of the effort of solid and committed plans in dating." It is not a good precedent to set in a new relationship. Take it from me, who had to learn the hard way from dating the King of "Let's play all our dates by ear and just wing everything." Vague plans get old quickly, and do little to make you feel valued in the relationship. 5 Signs You Are A Dating Snob
We all are worth that special excitement that comes from looking forward to spending time with a person who is just as committed as we are. Creating a specific time and place to enjoy each other is the perfect way to show your date you truly care for them.