Infidelity can be heart wrenching. There is a way to heal and repair. Couples may return to trust.
you that your own willpower will not. Life has a multitude of ways.
3. Request to Have Un-needed Habits Removed
We all have mental and emotional habits that put us in ruts. Now is a time to forgivingly notice your own. Ask to have them removed. You may also get assistance to work on changing them.
4. What if My Heart Still Hurts?
The most overlooked yet fundamentally needed aspect of heart healing is embracing the hurt. This is key. While we are conditioned to find ways to bypass the hurt, we will be transformed in benevolence by the hurt, when we face it.
Many clients have come to me afraid they will be swallowed by heart-ache if they embrace it. Some fear that they will create more of it by giving attention to it. The opposite proves true. When you step into the heart’s sensations, by placing full awareness into feeling, the intensity dissipates. As you remained focused in this way, the pain diminishes to zero. From this, a new experience is born. It may be an experience of peace, joy, hope, neutrality, or forgiveness. Exactly what you will encounter cannot be predicted. What can be predicted is that when you fully merge into the sensation in your heart, something unexpected and benevolent will occur. Your heart will provide a solution when your mind cannot. I have experienced this first hand. I have lead clients from numerous backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs through this. It proves true.
5. Drop the Judgment
Some of the pain from a broken heart is caused by judgment of self and other. If he or she did that to me, it makes us less than. Let this belief go. Nobody is perfect. Millions of people have experienced infidelity. Your worth is not measured by what happens to you. Your peace is measured by how you work with what happens.
6. Let Forgiveness Come Naturally
Forgiveness is natural. As we do our personal work, forgiveness comes. It may not come in the timing we wish. If we try to force it to come, or force it not to come we feel miserable, lonely, afraid and stuck. However, it we allow forgiveness to come as a result of the work we do, it is known as real and lasting.
7. Know that Cycles are Necessary
As Humans, we have tendencies to believe that progress should be finite. When we look carefully at life, change comes in cycles. We may feel peaceful one moment and tormented the next. Use the processes offered in these two articles, repeatedly. Peace will come more and more often, deeply and vastly in time. For some it will come in a moment. There is no right or wrong way. Each of us is here to experience a variety of life-occurrences. Do seek out help form a professional counselor or coach to make the journey safe and a lot easier. You are worth it. You can heal from this.
Part 3: Couples’ Repair after Infidelity
The first two articles in this series discussed ways in which the one who was betrayed can facilitate her or his own healing. As you utilized the tools provided, you found broken-heart help. You discovered that healing from infidelity is a process.
It is important for you to know that the person who betrayed is also experiencing a wide range of feelings. Though not always true, in some cases, the one who betrayed is also feeling betrayal. This may be betrayal form other aspects of the relationship. It may be betrayal for the betrayed withdrawal of love upon learning about what happened..
The person who betrayed is going to need support from m a nonjudgmental witness. Feelings of aloneness, rejection, guilt, sorrow, regret, anger, and fear are common. Finding a non-judgmental sounding board outside of the relationship will be key in the recovery.
In order for a couple to stay together in a healthy way, amends and genuine promises to not repeat the infidelity must be made. The one who chose infidelity must decide where his or her commitment is. He or she will need to create ways to assure her or his partner that the re-newed commitment to honesty and monogamy is sincere. Here are some little ways that work successfully.
1. Make Yourself Available by Phone at All Times
Making yourself available to your partner at all times goes a long way. Over time, this is deep re-assurance that your commitment to fidelity is real.
2. There is Never too Much Apologizing
Your partner will be affected by what happened for life. Once she or he re-finds peace of heart and soul, s/he will continue to wonder if you are being honest. Once honesty is broken, there is no way to be certain. The best way to remedy this is to acknowledge your partner’s feelings and uncertainty as valid. Offer to do whatever you can to rebuild trust.
3. Focus on What is Good
Nurture all that is positive between you. If you have one cup of poison and you drink it you die. If you spend your time investigating the poison, you become obsessed by it. If you add pure spring water to it, the poison’s power lessens. Add an ocean to a cup of poison and the poison loses its power. As both of you add more and more good to your relationship now, what was not good, loses its impact.
4. Allow Time for Solitude
You will both go through a variety of feelings. You will need time to feel and change from this. Allow time for solitude. For some this means an hour a day. For some this means a few months apart. If the time is used to address your own feelings about the situation, you can come back together in a way that is more loving and whole. If you use the time to ignore the problem, however, this will not help.
5. Do good things for One Another
Good repairs sorrow. Good doesn’t allow you to avoid the grief and recovery process that is natural when betrayal occurs. It does build an environment of kindness in which forgiveness, strength, and love, can prosper even when infidelity has occurred.
6. Attend Individual and Couples’ Counseling or Coaching
Choosing to go to counseling or coaching together as well as separately is a commitment to a healthy outcome. This gives you the support you need from a neutral outside source. The choice is a statement to each other that you want to grow a healthy garden in the compost.
7. Be Willing to Release Resentment
When infidelity occurs, both couples are prone to some kind of resentments in the aftershocks. Be willing to release these resentments. The steps offered in Part I and 2 of this series will assist both of you with that.
8.Respect Your Uniqueness
Each couple will have unique needs that arise from your healing passage. Take time to listen to each other. Respect each other’s differences and requests as valuable. Find ways to meet each other that feel right. Compromise, meet in the middle, or simply give when it feels just right.
Assume that infidelity recovery is an ongoing process. Continue to use it as such. Be willing to have regular meetings to see how each person is doing and what is needed.
Long term patience is universally necessary after trust has been broken. I have found this to be vital for couples who are able to find their way back to wholeness. The infidelity will bring up all kinds of aches and pains from past and present that need lots of time to be addressed. Be tender, knowing that time used in positive ways, brings lasting rewards whether you choose to stay together or part ways.
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