There are so many things that can go right and wrong in your marriage that is it extremely important to get them out in the open and expose what can ruin that loving feeling after the wedding. After meeting with one of my client’s (a famous soap opera star) and discussing why she hasn’t been feeling satisfied in her marriage lately, we came to the conclusion that there is one HUGE thing that goes on in EVERY relationship that tears your happiness at the seams. That this is BLAME!!! Why do we blame others for things that we should be responsible? More importantly, why do we blame our spouse... the one person who is by our side through the good times and bad? The answer is, that we are so reluctant to change our behaviors, that we are willing to risk the love and respect of each other. You see, taking responsibility for our behaviors means that we are admitting we did something wrong and we need to make changes in order to fix it and avoid the same problem in the future. With my client, (let’s just call her M for confidentiality reasons) she realized that she was blaming her husband for the fact that she was bored in her relationship and hadn’t even thought of ways that she could get more excited about it. She had gotten so caught up in the daily humdrum schedule of life and was completely missing out on all the wonderful possibilities that she and her husband could be spending their time and energy on. Because I have seen this problem ruin so many relationships, I decided to come up with a formula I call “Back It Up” in order to avoid the blame game before it feeds on your love life and marriage. Here is how back it up works. First, I will explain the cycle in which blaming manifests. It starts with feelings of dissatisfaction or anger then spreads to a place to vent those feelings then it is projected on to your spouse with thoughts then confrontation then accusations… which always ends up in an argument! Now here is where “backing it up” comes into play. Keeping the cycle in mind, when you notice the feelings of dissatisfaction or anger coming on in the first stage, STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS RIGHT THEN AND THERE!! Instead of allowing your mind to take the usual path that ends up placing the blame on your partner, come up with 3 ways you’ve contributed to the feelings and 3 things YOU can do to improve upon the situation. (Note: This is going to take effort in that you must be totally mindful about your thoughts and feelings in regard to your marriage) Once you’ve done that, pick a good time to let your partner in on what’s up and explain that you want to be totally accountable for fixing your distorted thoughts with out blaming him or her.
By implementing the very simple “Back it Up” Technique, you are on your way to a healthier happier BLAME FREE marriage!