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Can You Have Sexy Sex When You Don't Fit The Movie Star Body?


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Self

Would you leave your partner if your friends said they were unattractive?

Have you ever been attracted to someone until your friends met him? The chemistry we feel is real, hard to describe and exciting. But when we introduce him to our nearest and dearest buddies, suddenly we begin to question our choice. And the messages we were getting from our bodies are called into question.

Why does this happen? And who should we trust? Ourselves or our friends? We want approval for our sexual choices. We want our friends to like who we pick. And we want them to fit the mold of our culture's leading man or woman. And getting this approval instead of trusting ourselves may not be such a good thing.

I recently saw a bunch of movies from 2013, in one of my annual movie binges before the Academy Awards. One of my favorites was Enough Said, starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus and the late James Gandolfini. This lovely romantic comedy showcased the early stages of a relationship between the two main characters, Eva and Albert. They were mid-life single parents who were looking for love. Both of their only children were about to leave for college, and they were facing the rapidly approaching empty nest stage of life.

When Eva (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) meets Albert (James Gandolfini) at a party, she likes him. He makes her laugh, there's flirting, and there's an instant rapport. But she's unsure of whether she's attracted to Albert because she's aware that he's a big man. And although she starts to feel that sexual pull, she questions it.

Let's face it: Our image of what we consider sexy is shaped by our culture. For instance, a tall, slim, and muscular with a full head of hair is usually what we picture when we think of a sexy guy.

Albert was sexy alright, but he didn't fit the image Eva had in her head. The relationship progressed. The two main characters ended up in bed, and it was tender, loving and yes, it was good. Eva was happy with her new man. She got past her ingrained definition of attractive and found sweet sexiness with her new partner.

At the same time that Eva met Albert, she also unknowingly became friends with his ex-wife. The ex-wife, Marianne, played by Catherine Keener, had a very different take on Albert. Marianne saw Albert as fat, clumsy and awkward in bed. In their past marriage, he wasn't productive and was a master procrastinator. His habits drove her crazy, and Marianne spent lots of time discussing these habits with Eva.

Suddenly, influenced by the opinion of her new friend, Eva begins to see Albert in a new light. She finds fault where she used to be amused. Their sex becomes out of sync. And what started as a promising new relationship, takes on the air of a sinking ship. Albert can now do nothing right in Eva's eyes.

Why does Eva see Albert through such a negative filter after hearing the opinion of her new friend?

When Eva was getting to know Albert, everything she told herself about him was good. She was focused on his positive qualities. His little idiosyncrasies were endearing to her. But after hearing descriptions of her new boyfriend from Marianne, the not-too-objective ex-wife, Eva's attraction to Albert becomes tainted. The same man, at the same weight, in the same body, went from being a very interesting, potential partner, to someone who was laughable.

Could Eva have sexy sex with Albert even though he was overweight?

Yes! She did. And her gut instinct told her that this might be the start of something special.

But when she ignored her intuition and saw her new friend through the eyes of someone else, she lost her regard for him, and began to treat him poorly. Eventually he broke up with her. And Eva was deeply sorry.

I won't ruin the movie for you by telling you whether Eva and Albert end up together. But I will say that if you feel a physical attraction to someone who isn't your typical leading man, be open.

And make sure that your own opinion, as you get to know this new person, takes precedence over your friends' opinions. If you are thinking warm thoughts about someone, those thoughts will create warm feelings. And the opposite is true, too.

So, trust yourself. And if you're lucky enough to find a sexy relationship, make sure it's you that you filter it through, not your friends.

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