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How To Rebuild Intimacy After A Sex Or Porn Addiction

intimacy after sex addiction
Love, Sex

Date Minute, an exercise to rebuild connection. You just need 1 minute per day for 7 days.

For an intimate connection to grow, it needs attention and nurturing. While this is true for every couple, it is mission critical for couples rekindling intimacy after sex or porn addiction has wreaked havoc on their lives. My wife and I call this condition "sex affliction." Sex affliction occurs when a relationship suffers a profound attack against its safety, vulnerability, intimacy, and sex, caused by one partner's sexual betrayal with porn and/or people. If your relationship has a sexual affliction, you already know how much easier it is to pretend that the injury to your sex, the injury to your "love," doesn't exist.

The reality is however, that stagnation = death, you must move forward. Action is necessary. You must move toward love. We know about this from personal experience. Fortunately, we found our way back to each other and now help other couples do the same. In the course of our journey we needed tools and exercises to help us find our way. Heres is one technique that Michelle invented to deal with my absolute inability to remotely even connect with the concept of INTIMACY.

I was paralyzed. I wanted nothing to do with sex or intimacy. Sex was a scary dark place. It wasn't warm, loving, beautiful, and the ultimate expression of my love for my amazing wife — it was none of those things and I was scared. In complete and utter frustration with my "fear of intimacy," one night my wife, in a burst of genius made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She asked me for 60 seconds. She asked me if I could give our relationship one minute of my undivided attention and love. I was instantly excited because I knew she was on to something. This is when Date Minute was born. I felt a wall coming down as she gave me this gift, just one minute of our complete attention. 

Just one itty-bitty teeny-tiny minute — it’s so easy to do that we officially double and triple dare you to try it. In fact, we challenge you, yes you, (if you are in a committed relationship with another human being we are talking to you) to give undivided, complete, and full love and attention to your significant other. This means looking into each other's eyes, hugging, matching your breaths, dancing, singing  . . . just try something to connect the two of you for 60 seconds.

Date Minute is a very powerful way to connect. Some even call this exercise intense. For the exercise below, all you need to do is connect with your significant other for one minute per day for seven days. This is your DATE MINUTE CHALLENGE. You ready? Read on if you are up to the challenge.

Tips Before You Start

  • TIP 1: Don't forget, to break a habit, you have to make a new habit and getting through all seven days is challenging — try to "anchor" your Date Minute practice to an existing habit - one you do every day — like brushing your teeth at night.
  • TIP 2: Use the timer on your smart phone or borrow one from one of your kid's games.
  • TIP 3: Be aware of but don't judge your thoughts —everything is food for growth. Remember, you are looking for "information, not ammunition." What are your feelings even around reading about Date Minute? Are you scared? It's okay, if this applies to you. Tell that scared part of you that you are safe right here and right now.

The Exercise

  • Stand or sit facing each other. Get comfortable. Start the timer . . . and look and smile at each other - you might even want to laugh, so laugh. There are no mistakes in this exercise.
  • Now hold each other's hands, gaze into each other's eyes.
  • Be mindful that most of our communication comes through body language and the eyes, not the mouth - so emote with your eyes and body: loving kindness, compassion, safety, vulnerability, intimacy, and love.
  • Be mindful of how you are feeling—the thoughts, the voices, the physical sensations. If you're scared, be scared. Just know that you are safe. Watch with complete fascination where your mind tries to go. Gently bring it back to loving kindness, compassion, safety, vulnerability, intimacy and love.
  • Take deep breaths and try to match the rhythm of your partner’s breath. In together and out together while looking at each other.
  • Stare into each other’s eyes without speaking. Try to connect with what you are seeing, the truth in the person you are looking at.
  • Feel the energy between the two of you.

Benefits
One of the benefits of looking into your partner's eyes at close range and breathing together is the exchange of pheromones, the sexual scents that induce arousal. When you are engaged in activities that promote pheromone release, you grow closer and develop a stronger bond. This exercise is a great teacher too. By the end of seven days, you may likely have a much clearer vision of the blocks that are getting in the way of a deeper connection.

Just Do It
There are many ways to use the concept of Date Minute. Make up your own Date Minute. My wife and I sometimes just break into dance in the kitchen . . . for one minute. Or sometimes we hug each other and match each other's breathing … for one minute. Sometimes we just act as silly as possible … for one minute … and make each other laugh.

This is your official challenge — THE DATE MINUTE CHALLENGE. Are you up to it? To all my men out there, I know you can do it. Give me one minute a day for the next seven days and dedicate those minutes to creating a deeper love with the woman you love, the one who stuck by you and loves you. Report back. Tell us what you experience. What are some things you can do with your partner to create intimacy in 60 seconds? Share them and let us how you are using Date Minute.

by Compulsion Solutions client, Craig

For more information and help for your marriage impacted by sex or porn addiction, see our website.

This article was originally published at Compulsion Solutions . Reprinted with permission from the author.

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