Dance on the Beach of Life!
Sometimes in our lives we reach rock bottom. We experience what we call hell. For each of us it's dressed up differently, but for all of us it is dark, tough and devastating. This hell can be our awakening. Some people call it a break-down; I believe it is a break-through.
This was the sequence of my hell over three months.
* My second marriage failed
* My business failed
* My youngest daughter left me to live with her Dad
* My health failed
* My financial security was gone
This is what I felt...
Fear, anger, loneliness, blame...lack of self-worth. Who was I? I was a terrible mother, I was an undesirable woman, I was a failure...I was broken...It was like falling off a bridge into darkness...Falling out of my mind, losing everything and hating myself.
I went into the closet in my room. I closed the door...curled up in a ball in the corner and wept...I cried from the depths of my being for hours.
Finally, I surrendered...I chose to live...differently!
I decided not to believe in fear any longer because I realized I had created all my fears. Fear stops everything - It can be our disease. I now see how these events changed me. My barriers were all being shattered. From this place in hell, I started to rebuild my own foundation, my belief, my faith. I faced all my greatest fears...I became humble. I stopped wearing my old behaviors.
I then started my journey back to self, to my heart. I began to remember who I really was. I gave myself permission to be healthy in every part of my life...My mind, my body, my spirit.
I found a way to move away the negativity that lived in my mind and shut down my heart. I created a formula to keep me inside...to feel the pain and created an inner support system that I practice daily.
* First I visualized a bridge in nature where I felt safe.
* I then connected with me as a child and my heart opened to the love.
* Once I felt safe, I did an Inner Workout using the people and experiences that triggered feelings such as resentment, anger, hurt or lack.
* Here I confronted the truth of my feelings and released them.
* When I let go, I re-connected to my compassionate heart and forgave them as I felt my own love and peace within.
When I started to connect to my emotionally body and release my negative feelings a deep connection to self-love and self-worth created a healing space for my physical body. I was living differently, and my new perception shifted me...that was the miracle. My children, family and friends felt the peace in me. My open heart created safety for all of my relationships. I became truly happy! Many years has passed and I have become healthier in every part of me and my life.
My life experiences connecting me to my emotions are really no different than anyone else's, just dressed up in details unique to me. The process of experiencing all the parts of my self with another person has been my greatest gift. With each person in my life who has mirrored my light and love, it has been an easy relationship. The tough ones, those that have reflected my lack of love, self-doubt, fear, anger, separation and resentment, are the relationships that have taught me the most about myself. My need for love attracted the kind of men who ended up controlling and manipulating me to fill their own void and lack of self-love.
Today, as I remember my past, I feel the difference in my whole body. Who I was in relationship then is totally different than who I am now. I now see that I struggled because I was not living with the truth of who I really was. I blamed others for my unhappiness. I had become inauthentic over the years because I controlled my feelings and others in order to be comfortable. I controlled with love. I gave love to fill people up so that they would be happy and I withdrew love when I was hurt or things didn't go the way I wanted.
I found a way to let go of my resentment and unloving experiences. I found peace and became more authentic and attractive. This life process The Inner Workout took me to a place within that allowed me to take responsibility, stop blaming my relationships and forgive my past, so that I could live with an open heart.
I looked for love everywhere, in people and things, in successes and accomplishments, in all the wrong places...dark places. I thought I'd found love in different corners of the world...and one day I finally found it and it was inside me!
I remember a day years ago when I was walking on the beach, feeling my desire for partnership. I looked over as the sun was setting and I saw a man and woman who had to be in their 90's, dressed in evening attire...she was in a gown and he was in a tuxedo. As the sunset inflamed the beach and calmed the waters, this beautiful, beloved couple waltzed to their inner music. What a magical sight as I sat alone with my hope and watched them dance. They ignited my desire and I knew that was what I wanted...to grow old with someone and dance on the beach of my life. I felt the beloved connection with me and this loving couple on the beach was the reflection of the beloved experience in relationship. A few months later, I met my husband and dance partner Bruce!
Seeing beloved- ness can inspire us as we see examples in a tangible form, not just as a dream or illusion. To experience it, know it in ourselves and see it in someone else can be a constant reminder of what we desire in our life.
Dance on the Beach of Your Life!.