Mirror Mirror on The Wall

By

Mirror Mirror on The Wall
Feeling distant from your partner this Valentine's Day? Here is exactly what to do to get closer.

Back to your mirror neurons.  Remember this is an instinct.  Instincts operate separate from the intellect.  If your partner is upset, you will also feel upset at some level...your are hard wired to do so.  

When you commit to mirroring for nurturing intimacy, you will learn to recognize your own discomfort, step beyond it and for the sake of your relationship, mirror back exactly what your partner has said.

For example,  Marcy and Ken are having in-law difficulties:

Version 1:

Marcy:  I can’t stand the way your sister compares herself to me all the time.  She is nosey and always in my business.

Ken:  She doesn’t mean it, she is just overwhelmed right now with her divorce and those kids.

Marcy:  You always take her side. She is so rude to me.

Ken:  You blame her for everything.  Then you tell me about it and I don’t know what you expect me to do.

Marcy:  You never listen to me.

Version 2: (Little does Marcy know that Ken, not his real name,  had contacted me and I referred him to Dr. Hendrix book)

Marcy:  I can’t stand the way your sister compares herself to me all the time.  She is nosey and always in my business.

Ken:  I hear you saying that the way my sister speaks to you is really annoying.

Marcy:  Uh, yeah, that’s right.  You never understand.  You always take her side and never stand up for me.  I am so frustrated.

Ken:  So you feel like I don’t understand you and that I always take her side.  I hear the frustration in your voice.  I bet you feel alone a lot of the time. (You can see that Ken is starting to feel even more of Marcy’s pain.  His Spirit has inspired him with supportive statements.)

Marcy:  Who are you and what did you do with Ken?  Yes, I do feel alone and sad. My family lives so far away.

Ken:  (Full of ideas and suggestions bites his tongue and keeps mirroring)  You feel alone and sad and with your family so far away, my sisters immaturity really bugs you.  Your own sister doesn’t treat you like that and I bet you really miss her.

Marcy:  Yep, it’s true.  I do miss her.  I hoped your sister and I would be close and I am really disappointed and sad that we are not.
Ken:  I love you Marce

Marcy:  Me too.

Next time you feel resistance with anyone, remember your mirror neurons are picking the other person's upset.  Take a breath and practice mirroring.  You will be too amazed!

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.