Last night I was delivering my latest dating seminar "Online Dating Kick Start" and a great question came up. One participant wanted to know if she needs to wait for men to contact her online. She is concerned about being aggressive or pushy.
A Big Virtual Cocktail Party
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As one of my colleagues, Laurie Davis, founder of eFlirtExpert.com says, think of online dating as a big cocktail party. I love this analogy! Think about it — if you were at a cocktail party, face-to-face with handsome men, would you stand around against the wall hoping one of them would talk to you? I sure hope not! Being friendly is one of the four basics of flirting that I share in Flirt School. (The others are brief eye contact couple with a smile and acting like you are having a great time.)
Being Friendly Breaks the Ice When You Date Online
When you strike up a conversation with a man, you are breaking the ice which is often much appreciated. There's nothing wrong with being friendly at all. It's not pushy. It's not aggressive. It's not forward. It's just friendly! When you are friendly, you make yourself appear far more approachable which is exactly what you want to make it easy for men to meet you. As a dating coach for women, that's what I encourage the most.
So to date online, men appreciate that friendliness as well. Trust me, men contact so many women with little or no response. They often have a much harder time connecting online. When you reach out to start a conversation, some guys will be flattered and likely grateful.
When You Date Online, Don't Get Hung Up on Rejection
Keep in mind, that some won't answer you. So what! Continue being friendly to new guys and you will find those who definitely want to know more about you. Don't let a lack of response get to you or drag you down. I want to encourage you not to read into it as rejection. After all, who knows what that guy is up to or looking for. He might be traveling, dating someone else, or not sure what he even wants.
Try hard not to spend a lot of time worrying why someone didn’t respond. Instead, find someone new to contact – that’s so much more productive. The more time you spend in a positive mindset about online dating, the less stress and disappointment you’ll experience.
Back to contacting men. So, what should you say? Choose something from the profile that you have a question about. Then say hi and ask one question. Keep it simple. Or make a comment about something and then ask a question about it. That's it. If you are comfortable and good at being funny — write something clever. Humor is a great ice breaker.
Here's What You Don't Want to Do
- Don't get into how much you have in common — let him be the judge of that.
- Don't describe yourself — he can look at your profile. Let him get curious to know more about you.
- Don't write a long email — boring!
- And don't ask several questions making it difficult to respond. Make it easy and keep it simple.
Now, being friendly is not the same as asking a man out when you date online. I'm really not a fan of women doing the initiating to that extent. Some women feel they have earned the right to pursue, but in my 12 years experience as a dating coach for women and in my own dating experience, I discovered that things work better when men pursue. But that doesn't mean you can’t be friendly and flirty.
So, if you want to date online and aren't getting enough contacts in your inbox, stop waiting around. Reach out and say hi to a few men. Just act like you are at a huge virtual cocktail party and see who you can clock with. Keep it light, fun, spontaneous and you’ll get results.
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