Dating sucks ... but this works.
As a dating coach for women for 12 years, and a woman who was still single at 40, I know this is true.
I dated 30 men in 15 months to meet the man I married, but I met a lot more men just to find the 30 guys.
Needless to say, I've walked in your shoes and have plenty of empathy.
On the other hand, let's be realistic.
Which goals in life are easy? Landing a new job? Buying a home? Losing weight? Running a marathon?
Nope, none of these goals can be achieved without serious effort. So the truth is, finding love is the same; it's a goal that requires effort and perseverance to see it through.
However — and this is big — finding love doesn't have to be as hard as you think.
There are definitely at least seven simple steps to make dating easier, less stressful and more fun.
I followed these steps myself and many of my clients have successfully done the same.
1. Dating is a numbers game, so meet lots of people.
I can’t tell you how many women come to me for dating advice and tell me about three guys who didn't work out. Three men, really?
That is not even the tip of the iceberg!
You will need to meet lots of men to find the right one for you.
By lots I mean maybe 50. You might get lucky after meeting 30 men as I did or even fewer.
Or you might be like others who have dated upwards of 80.
If you know up front that dating is a numbers game and part of the process you won't be as disappointed by any one man.
You'll know that every man you meet brings you one man closer to the right one for you and accept that this is what is needed to find love.
2. Get over being in a hurry. Love cannot be rushed.
Are you in a hurry to find love? Do you think because you are older, somehow there is a time limit on finding love?
This is absolutely not true.
You can find love at any age when you make the effort.
Whether you are 40, 50, 60 or 70+, rushing the process will not help you find love faster.
How can you tell if you are rushing? One of the biggest dating mistakes women make is trying to get all the facts about a guy on the first date.
Trouble is, your detective work is not fun for him and feels more like interrogation versus conversation.
Of course you want to know why he got divorced or hasn't been married yet. But this is not good first date chit chat and will likely make him feel uncomfortable.
So, if you've been having trouble getting a second date, now you might know why.
What should you talk about? Focus on having a good conversation about your passions and hobbies and what you want from life. You'll get to the facts over 3 to 4 dates.
This is not wasting time!
You are taking a healthier, more open approach to getting to know a man to discover if he is right for you.
You'll learn a lot more and gather better information when you slow down and stop grilling men.
3. Relax and be yourself in order to appear more confident and attractive.
I always recommend that my dating coaching clients learn to relax on a date and be themselves. But you do want to be your very best self.
So let him see how wonderful you are and why you are a great catch. That means talking about your life and experiences in a positive way, which will help you exude dating confidence and be more attractive
Think about dating like a job interview.
If you were looking for a job, would you trash your current boss or company? No, you would not.
So don't trash your ex or even talk about him if you can help it. Don't talk about how hard dating is or how men lie, etc. Share what you are passionate about and what you enjoy in your life.
This helps him see how you could fit nicely into his life.
Remember, it's not just you deciding about him — he's also wondering if you would make a good partner.
So, be a good listener as well. Help the men you meet feel comfortable around you. That's what relaxing and being yourself is all about.
Sometimes women feel they need to be someone else to appeal to a man, but that's a hard act to keep up.
I had a dating coaching client named Barbara who told me she had problems in all her relationships around the six-month mark.
When I asked why, she told me straight out, "I just can't keep up my 'nice act' any longer and want to be myself again."
That's why my dating advice is to be yourself from the start and you'll have nothing to keep up.
4. Stop judging every guy as if he is "the one." Learn to take the pressure off.
If you are going to follow step #1: "Meet lots of men," then you can see why you'll need to let go of judging every man as if he could be "the one".
This puts way too much pressure on the first meeting. Rather than evaluating each guy against your wish list, relax and get to know the guys.
Men can be nervous when meeting you. The first date is not always the best time to judge a guy accurately.
Get a second date and see how he acts then. Men know women can be harsh judges, so if you go on a second date, they often relax and have the opportunity to shine.
I've had many clients tell me how pleasantly surprised they were by a man on a second or third date!
5. Say "yes" to opportunities.
Saying no is easy ... but when you say yes you have the chance to cross paths with more men.
The more opportunities you have to meet people, the better your chances of finding the right one for you. This again goes back to Step #1.
Yes, there will be times when you don't feel like going out or you will be outside your comfort zone.
You won't likely meet the love of your life in your comfort zone or you would have already found him!
That means you'll need to try new things, go new places, expand your world, say yes to blind dates or parties.
Learn to say yes more than no and you'll open up to a richer life experience and a greater potential for love as well.
6. Don't take each rejection personally.
You know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right man. Given that, it stands to reason you'll also experience rejection.
You cannot date and avoid rejection—that's just not realistic.
So expect you will be rejected and learn to get over it quickly.
Here are some tips I share with my dating coaching clients to help you get through that unsettling feeling:
- Positive self talk. Tell yourself there are plenty more men out there to meet; he's just one guy; he's certainly not the right guy because the right guy would know how wonderful you are.
- Self-care. Pamper and treat yourself well. Self-care is about self-love, which must come first. Take a bubble bath, get a massage, change your hairstyle, get your nails done, etc.
- Find things to laugh about. Get together with girlfriends, watch funny movies, see a comedy show, try laughter yoga.
7. Believe looking for love is worth it.
If you don't think you'll find love, of course you won't want to spend time looking!
But, here's another big truth about dating: No one looks back at dating after finding love to say, "What a waste of time that was." When you find love, everything you went through will have been worthwhile!
This is a common affliction for single women. They are tired from work and family obligations and then to add dating puts them over the top. But if these same women really believed their efforts would be rewarded, would they take the time? Most would.
Well as your dating coach, I'm here to tell you that you can find love.
And it certainly is worth it. If you have trouble with that idea, I have an audio program of affirmations to strengthen your belief called: I Believe in Love.
So there you have it—seven steps to make finding love easier.
When you are willing to meet lots of people, stop rushing and relax, stop judging men and get to know them, say yes more often, expect rejection and get over it and believe you can find love, you have increased your chances exponentially.
I know you can do it. I believe in love and I believe in you.
Are you struggling to find love? As a dating coach for women over 40, I can help with proven dating methods that have helped thousands. Get more tips in my FREE book 5 Big Turnoffs That Drive Men Away.