By Amy Schoen — Written on Jun 19, 2012
My female clients who just turned 40 years of age and desperately want to have a baby have a tough decision to make regarding the direction of their lives. They have tried unsuccessfully to meet a man who they could connect with and who also wants marriage and a family. Many have been thinking about having a child on their own with a donor for a while. They ask themselves, “Should I give up on dating and just focus on having a baby on my own? “
This is the dilemma of deciding to have a baby on your own is one that many single women approaching 40 face who have never married or are divorced with no children. I have seen this many times with my clients and personal friends, as well as from my own personal experience since I too was single with no prospects at 40. Fortunately, today there are options. Nonetheless, this life changing decision of having a child on one’s own requires you go into this with your eyes open and with a plan that can work for you. This choice of having a baby on your own will affect all aspects of your lifestyle, your social life and how you spend your free time.
At 40 you still have a little time (really not much time) before you have to make this decision to having a baby on your own. You would want to have everything researched and lined with in a year’s time just to be safe. Think about what is your priority – to have a loving relationship with a man or to have a child? Although they are not mutually exclusive, having a child on your own is a full time commitment and makes it difficult to date once you are visibly pregnant and especially when a baby is in the picture. What I see from my coaching business is that my single moms by choice clients come to me for dating and life coaching when their children are about six or seven years old. In addition, I have coached with men who found out the women they were dating were trying to have a baby on their own and most were not happy about that.
If you are still trying to date to meet a marriage mate, you have to be careful to present yourself as relaxed so men don’t feel your desperation. That is a huge turnoff. Although a man may also have the goal to marry and to have a family, he wants to be loved for who he is and not just a means for you to have children.
One’s decision to have a baby on your own needs to take into consideration who is in your support system. Who will be helping you with caring for the baby? Is there family in the area or close friends who would offer to help out? Can you afford daycare or to have a nanny to help you? Having a baby is incredibly time-consuming and you will need to find time for yourself just to take care of normal, everyday stuff, as well as some relief from the intense attention a baby demands.
Also, you need to consider that when you undertake assisted fertility, the possibility for multiple births is high. Ask yourself if you would be able to handle having twins?
No matter what, having a child as a single or as a couple is a life changing choice. Again, I am not saying that having a child on your own either by assisted or adoption and dating can’t occur at the same time, however it can be very challenging at best. It would take a very special (sorry to say rare) man who would be open to dating you while you are working on having a baby on your own from a donor male.
Your other option is to seek help of a professional for dating and work on finding a loving relationship and keep on the path you are currently on. You do have about one year before you would have to move on having a baby on your own unless you find out now that you discover that you have a medical condition that would hinder you from conceiving a baby. You may still meet a wonderful man who also desires to have a family and get your happily ever after. I have seen it with my clients and friends (and myself who married at 42!).
Whatever you decide you don’t want to look back ten years from now and regret the decision you made. And you want to be firm in your choice – since there is no turning back once a baby comes into your life! I love to see your comments.
Have you been thinking of having a baby on your own? What have you been taking into consideration as you look into this possible option for you?
Intentionally yours,
Coach Amy Schoen
PS. If you find that you want to explore this possibility of having a baby on your own, then this is a great opportunity to explore life coaching in order to help you make a comfortable decision. Go to wwww.TalkwithCoachAmy.com to fill out my form and we can have an exploratory conversation about how coaching can serve you at this juncture.
This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.