I have been coaching for about nine years, and what I notice is some people are really good at picking themselves up and getting back out there, while others seem to get stuck in the "what went wrong" or "the would have, could haves" of their past relationship. Your ability to quickly move forward and get yourself dating again when you are looking to find a mate signifies how resilient you are. And you have the conviction that you will succeed and find the right person this time!
Dating takes a thick skin. Think of yourself as a baseball player who comes up to bat at home plate. Just because you strike out doesn’t mean that you give up. You learn from that experience. You would adjust your stance; try to learn more about the pitcher and what kinds of pitches he will be throwing to you. You start working the percentages and eventually, you hit a single and run to first base. And perhaps if you keep at it, you will get a home run! However, if you walk away from the ball game before the end, you will never know if you can hit that home run. The resilient person looks failure squarely in the face and continues to persevere.
Resilient people deal with rejection in a healthy way. They understand that not everyone is the right match and are able to move on quickly. I had a saying, “You are just not my cup of tea!” You want to find someone who has the capacity to love and truly appreciates it. No one likes to be rejected, and some of my clients find it really hard to be in a position to reject someone. However, in the long run, it’s best to let someone go and find their better match.
I was working with a 45-year-old, divorced business owner (and single parent with mostly grown children) who was getting back into the dating world after a recent bad break up. She had some trepidation about having to deal with rejection. I reminded her that, "You are a business owner. Don’t you deal with rejection all the time? How is it when someone doesn’t buy your service?" She answered, "Either the person is not ready to make the investment or it’s not the right fit for this potential client." I challenged her to relate this mindset back to dating.
Resilient people forgive themselves for making poor choices. They understand that they did the best they could to make the right decision about a past long-term relationship or marriage. They understand they are now older and wiser. I also tell myself, "I won’t make that mistake again. However, I most likely will make some new mistakes!" It’s about having kindness and compassion for yourself.
Resilient people understand you can’t change the past, and you only have the present and the future ahead of you to make better choices for yourself. Once you learn the lessons from your past choices, dwelling on past relationship failures doesn't serve you. Time is too precious. They are ready to take action that will move them forward to find a mate. Keep Reading...
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