First Date Tips: Are Your Initial Connections Superficial or Deep
By Coach Amy Schoen. Posted on .
Does this happen to you? You are at a party, or a single’s event, and you meet someone where you are attracted physically to them. You talk about fifteen minutes on very superficial subjects such as the latest new restaurant or the upset of the local football team. No real connection was established and one of you finds a way to move on. No phone number was exchanged and the possibility of making a first date is not mentioned. And you leave the party or event with no new dating prospects. Does this happen to you more often than not?
If so, ask yourself, “Why am I not connecting?” Let’s examine where connection comes from when you are dating for a serious relationship:
- Similar life experiences
- Shared values
- Similar life goals
- Similar ways of looking at situations (i.e., Political, Cultural, ect.)
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Similar life experiences may be that you are both divorced with kids. You may connect on common issues around that circumstance. You may have gone to the same college. I witnessed a couple bond since both were divorce and lawyers. They knew some of the same people who worked in the law field.
Shared values are critical for creating connection. Let’s say you have a value around being healthy and having an active lifestyle. You would want a partner who shares that value with you. Perhaps you both enjoy bicycling, or working out at the gym regularly and you are both into buying organic food. Your first date could be a bike ride or checking out a new health food restaurant.
When you have the same life goals, then that gives the green light for exploring a relationship further. If you are looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage (or as I say,” Motivated to Marry”!) and you both recognize that, if you are attracted to one another physically, then it gives you a stronger pull towards seeing each other again for a first date. When I was single, I met some men that I realized were NOT Motivated, and I didn’t see a reason to go out with them or spend any more time with them, let alone plan a first date.
Life is harder when you come from a diverse way of looking at life. If you do enjoy conflict and debate, then you may want to find a partner who is also relishes that. Other people prefer to have someone who shares your political views and/or has similar expectations around faith. They find comfort in having someone to share their personal views with and “gets” them.
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