It's your job to have one, not someone's job to give you one.
Your orgasm is your responsibility. As Dr. Lissa Rankin says in her book What's Up Down There, "You can't effort yourself into an orgasm; you simply let go. Release expectation. Allow your body to feel what feels good."
I feel so strongly that you need to own your own orgasm, ladies. It’s my mantra and my mission to teach women to own their own pleasure and to stop faking it. Some say it doesn’t matter if I don’t have an orgasm. I say it does.
Ladies, we spent our 20s and maybe even our 30s worried about our partner’s pleasure. But it’s time we take some time for ourselves and make our own sexual pleasure a priority.
I know it took me until about age 30 to realize that the more I enjoyed myself, the more my partner enjoyed himself. Sure, sex is still great without an orgasm, but why not just have one? I understand that lovemaking can bring on a feeling of wellbeing. It can elevate your mood and it can bond you with your partner. It also helps to mend wounds that partners can sometimes inflict on one another.
We know our male partners have an orgasm 99.99 percent of the time we have sex. And we know that sex is clearly not designed with the female orgasm in mind. Sex is designed with reproduction in mind. The penis enters the vagina at an angle that is most conducive to delivering the sperm to the egg, right? That was the intention. We need to change that intention.
Depending on your position, the penis rarely comes in contact with the clitoris all on its own. And for most of us, it’s all about the clitoris. Fifty to seventy-five percent of us cannot acheive an orgasm from intercourse alone.
Which brings me back to my point: your orgasm is your responsibility. We need to give ourselves permission to say, “Hey, I want one, too.” We need to change our inner dialogue and remind ourselves that we are worthy and deserving of this pleasure.
If we have difficulty having an orgasm during sex, incorporate a toy into the mix. Own this issue; don't put it on your partner. Learn how to give yourself an orgasm alone and it will become easier and easier to have one with a partner.
Make some private time for you, alone. Lock your door, take a bath, touch your body, learn your own sexual response cycle. It's a beautiful gift to give yourself.
Just like anything else, practice makes perfect. That means you need to masturbate. I know that some women were conditioned to believe that masturbation is “bad” or “dirty,” and that's such a shame. Some of us have religious issues and some of us just have “masturbation is for bad girls” stuck in our brains.
Your maker gave you a clitoris, and the only purpose of your clitoris is to give you an orgasm. It has no other functionality. Its sole purpose is to give you an orgasm. Give yourself permission to use it; figure it out and really love yourself. Pretty soon you will stop talking about how “It's OK that I didn’t have an orgasm,” because you still enjoyed it. That's the old way of thinking.