Being Afraid To Love

Love is a tricky thing. It can change you in a good way and a bad way. When you have had failed relationships more than successful ones, it is easy to close yourself off even when someone who enters your life who would be perfect for you.

I have never truly been in love. In the past I thought I was in love twice, but now that I revisit those memories and relationships I realize that those weren't true love. They were faux relationships. Most of them used me for my kindness and took advantage of how giving I am--which ultimately is ok in my book because it showed me what I need to work on and how not to choose those types of men again. But how do you change a pattern you have been using for a decade?

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I have been a player for most of my life and have had three relationships that lasted longer than a few months, but none of them were healthy. I feel that a lot of my relationships didn't work because not only were they not the right people for me, but also because I am emotionally distant from anyone who tries to get close.

Being in love and in a relationship makes you completely vulnerable. You have to open up your heart and hope and pray your heart doesn't get crushed by that person. And that is a hard thing to allow when you are so untrusting of most people. I guess to say I have father issues would be an accurate description. My Dad was never in my life unless he needed something from me. And he was never engaged in my conversations with him. He would stoically listen, saying uh huh or whatever but never responding to me in a real way--which is obviously not a good thing for me.

I don't want to be cold--I want to fall in love but all my life between friends, boyfriends, and family I have been their backbone. I have fixed their worlds when they needed me too and not worried about my own. I am a very selfless person and help anyone I can. But it is usually not reciprocated. I am trying to change a few things in my life and I am trying to let someone in whom I care for deeply and I know he would be there for me whenever I needed him. But old habits die hard and it is hard to change something when it comes to allowing someone to try to take care of me and be there for me. I am very independent because I had to be and so when someone tries to take some heat off of me and help me I get flustered and walk away to fix the issue myself.

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I know there are a lot of women out there that feel the same way I do. To try and let someone in when you have been taking care of yourself and everyone else's lives is a hard thing to do. I am trying to get better and I hope I can learn from my past mistakes and not make them again. Whether it works out with this guy or not I do know that I will at least try to make it work the best way I can. Hopefully I don't crash and burn... and more importantly I hope I don't get my heart broken in the process.

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