Yikes! (But it's the truth.)
"I wish I would've paid attention."
That's what many of my clients say before they describe one of the following dating dealbreakers. (A dealbreaker is simply an issue that will create major problems in your relationship and likely cause a future breakup. It can be a fundamental difference in values, a major transgression or just a plain 'ole personal preference.)
Here is a list of the top 10 relationship dealbreakers for lesbian couples:
It may be that she is devotedly religious, while you're as atheist as they come — or you simply follow different faiths. When it comes to religious views, a lot depends on the role your faith plays in your life. Religion may be a dealbreaker for you, and if it is, make sure you both know where you stand.
Do you want to get married? Be upfront about your views on marriage and ask her to share her views. If they conflict, be aware that it may be a dealbreaker.
3. Her "Closet Status"
Are you willing to go back into the closet if she's in the closet? Do you value your privacy, while she's a community pride organizer? "Closet status" can create major relationship rifts if you can't live with each others' choices. Talk to her about how 'out' she is — at home, at work and with her family. Talk about each others' choices honestly.
4. Family Relationships
This dealbreaker is really subjective. Does she have a weird relationship with her father? Does she hate her siblings? Is she a "momma's girl?" If the relationships she has with her family interfere with your relationship, then they may be dealbreakers.
5. Drug/Alcohol Use
Addictive behavior, including drug and alcohol abuse, can sour a relationship in record time. If she hides her behavior or prioritizes drug or alcohol use over you, then it's definitely a dealbreaker. Don't stick around to watch your relationship go down in flames; find someone who has her priorities straight.
Some lesbians want children and some don't. Some will raise children from other relationships and some won't. Children may be the biggest dealbreaker for some. Be honest about your preference (or about offspring you already have) and ask her to be honest, too.
If she cheats on you, it's a dealbreaker. As the old adage goes, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Of course, it's not true in every situation, but it's true often enough to be a dealbreaker.
Whether you hate dogs or just love cats, let her know. Allergies, childhood traumas or even a simple preference for a certain type of pet can create major problems when it becomes time to combine your households. Avoid future problems by discussing this potential dealbreaker early on.
Career choice may seem like something that doesn't matter much when you're looking for Ms. Right, but it can create a huge rift in your relationship in the future. Will you be OK with an empty house if her job requires her to travel often or demands a lot of overtime? Will it be too nerve-racking for you if she has a dangerous job? Do you mind if she makes much more (or much less money) than you? Does her job require her to do something that conflicts with your values? Be aware of any potential career dealbreakers, and don't be afraid to call it quits over them.
Even little lies can hide bigger problems. Did she lie about what she did over the weekend? Did she say she was staying home sick when she was really out dancing? When people lie about little things, they usually lie about big, important things too. If you can't trust her to tell you the truth, then that's a dealbreaker!
This article was originally published at Lesbian Love Guru. Reprinted with permission from the author.