Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Is Your Inner Mean Girl Keeping You From Love?

Is Your Inner Mean Girl Keeping You From Love?

Contributor
Self

“You don’t deserve to be loved.”

“If this doesn’t work out, you’ll be alone forever!”

“You’re just not as beautiful, smart or accomplished as her.”

Recognize that voice? It’s the voice of your Inner Mean Girl.
She’s negative. She’s catty. She’s judgmental. She compares your worst to everyone else’s best. In her eyes, you lose every time. Your Inner Mean Girl's favorite thing to do is to make you feel small, inadequate, and unworthy. She’s always finding evidence to prove her theory: you are not enough. And here’s how:

Sometimes she’s straightforward – and proclaims that you just aren’t good enough for the person you are dating, marrying, or living with.

Sometimes she’s sneaky – and tells you that you are too good for that person (and she whisks away a really great guy!)

Sometimes she is just plain mean – and points out just how flawed you are, how old you are, and how many other people are getting married/in a happy relationship/etc.

And when none of those evil tactics work, she relies on her tried and true weapon: filling your head with all kinds of big fat lies that make you doubt what you know to be true about yourself (that you are a kind, loving, not-perfect person who just really wants a great partner to share your life with.) And frankly, you deserve it! We all do.

The truth is that if you want to find and keep great love in your life, you have to stop letting your Inner Mean Girl (IMG for short) run your show. She is guaranteed disaster on your love life! If you are single, she’ll destroy your chances at finding love. If you’re in a relationship, she’ll create all kinds of situations that keep you from having the fabulous partnership you want. She’ll make you overstay in the wrong relationship, and sabotage the great ones.

While transforming your Inner Mean Girl takes time and skill, there a few steps you can take right away to take the power back from her self-sabotaging clutches!

4 Steps To Standing Up to Your Inner Mean Girl

1. Identify your Inner Mean Girl’s Top 3 Favorite Places. Where does she like to show up, criticize, get you down or make you cut off a potentially great connection? If you are single, is it after a bad date or after hearing about yet another friend getting married? If you are in relationship, is it when you have a fight with your guy or when he goes away with his guy friends? Or when you see another couple who you judge to be much happier than you? When do you feel the most anxious, stressed out, or ashamed of your relationship or relationship status? That’s when your IMG is lurking about!

2. Identify your Inner Mean Girl’s Top 3 Weapons. List the actual statements that your IMG tells you about your love life… the ones you know are sabotaging your ability to have a fabulous partnership. If you are single, what does she say to you that makes you feel bad or hopeless about being single? How does she compare you to others? If you are in relationship, what does she say that makes you back off or fight with your mate? What does she say to keep you defended and out of your heart?

3. Identify Who Your Inner Mean Girl Really Is! Make no mistake, what’s she’s doing to you is very personal, so one of the best actions you can take is to personify her. Only then can you begin to transform her. To do this, draw a picture of her or find a photo that resembles her and give her a name. Is she fat with big glasses? Perfectly pressed and all in pink? A slob with a cigarette in one hand and a martini in the other? Don’t worry if you think you can’t draw – no one will ever see this but you, so go for it! And if you really don’t want to draw, can you find an image in a magazine or on the Internet that captures your Inner Mean Girl? It’s important that you have a clear mental image of that voice that tortures you.

We’ve got news for you: Your Inner Mean Girl is a liar! And you can win over her every time! When you start to listen to the voice of your Inner Wisdom instead!

4. Start Listening to Your Inner Wisdom Instead! Now that you realize that she is a liar, see if you can’t catch her lying to you. (Hint: whenever you’re feeling bad about yourself, she’s probably right there with a megaphone.)
Then do this simple three-step process to see through your Inner Mean Girl’s lies:
• Step #1: What is my Inner Mean Girl saying? Write it down. Can you identify the lies?

• Step #2: What does my Inner Wisdom know? Write it down. Can you see the truth? (Hint: it helps to sometimes close your eyes and take a deep breath before asking this question. The truth is always there, waiting to set you free.)

• Step #3: Take Action. Now write down an action you want to take in light of this new information. Is there something or someone you need to commit to? Something you must stop doing? A new perspective you will hold? Do you need to forgive yourself or someone else?

Here is the truth: your Inner Mean Girl is really a voice of insecurity and anxiety. Uncertain of her own power, she becomes a bully. Once you start really listening and writing down her rants and accusations, it’s easy to put her in her place.

The truth is, you are fabulous.

And we know, because our Inner Wisdom told us so!

*************
Want To Wash Your Inner Mean Girl Out of Your Hair?

Join the FREE! 40-Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse
www.MeanGirlCleanse.com

Stop being so hard on yourself… and put our Inner Mean Girls on notice that they are not in charge of you and your love life anymore! It’s a super-fun 40-day program led by Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers, co-founders of Inner Mean Girl Reform School. Together, each week for 6 weeks, you will join women around the world virtually and give up 6 of the toxic, self-sabotaging habits of your Inner Mean Girl: Comparison. Gossip. Obligations. And more!

Here’s the link http://www.meangirlcleanse.com. Register now – it’s FREE.

Author

Contributor

Explore YourTango