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Your fears inadvertently keep you single.
By Christian Carter
Last updated on Apr 22, 2024
Tell me if this sounds familiar: You're hanging out, talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic — love and relationships. Each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she's in, and all the amazing things going on with the man in her life. At first, you enjoy the stories and you're happy for your friends, but then it hits you: You're the only person there who isn't in a good relationship. You're alone... or that relationship you're in that isn't going anywhere? Well, it doesn't cut it.
How did it get this way? Why isn't it working for you? Over the years, helping women with men and relationships, I've learned that when you're single and you don't want to be, 3 common fears often come up. These fears can work against you and can keep you single if they go unchecked. When you let these fears consume you, it should become obvious why you are still single.
Here are 3 big underlying fears that push men away:
1. You fear being single forever
Whether you'd like to admit it, if you're single and you've had a few not-so-great relationships in a row, then somewhere in the back of your mind you're holding on to the fear that you might never find the right man and relationship. This is especially true if you're later in life than you thought you might be as a single person. Men can sense it when a woman is afraid to be on her own. It changes the way a man perceives you and, more importantly, the way a man feels around you. If you hold on to the fear that the right guy might never come along, it could very likely be that you'll accidentally push the right man away when he shows up.
2. You fear losing the guy
When men and women first meet, both people usually share a genuine appreciation for the other person and stay on their best behavior. But have you ever had a guy start acting creepy early on, assuming too much about your relationship and getting controlling or possessive? Well, aside from truly unstable men, men who act this way are generally fearful themselves — of losing a woman. So they try all kinds of things to try and keep that woman, but just turn her off.
The reality is that women who are afraid of losing a man, even if it's only been a few dates, do similar kinds of things. They act possessive or jealous or worry too much — all accidental ways women communicate their feelings and fears to a man in a way that makes him get that "Yuck!" feeling inside. Once you start worrying about losing someone, you start acting differently around them. Men sense this and it's a turn-off, especially if it's early on and you're still just dating.
3. You fear he will turn out like your ex
This one doesn't take a lot of explaining. If you've come out of a bad relationship, make sure you get enough time for your emotions to settle. That way, you're not tempted to see the new man you start dating with the filter of the old emotions and patterns that were going on with your ex. If you don't break that emotional tie to your past, and the fear you have associated with it, you'll get in your way and carry your old problems into your new relationship.
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Christian Carter is a dating coach and author of the e-book Catch Him & Keep Him. He has helped more than three million women become more successful with men, dating, and relationships.