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Sometimes, we just need space from certain people.
By Christopher Shea
Last updated on Mar 12, 2024
What is the difference between how we interact in real life vs. how we interact online? Social media allows for anonymity or a physical distance from the person you're communicating with. This makes people feel safer and more open to engaging in interactions that eventually alienate or offend others (you know, that person who posts any toxic thing that comes to mind).
When people like that irk us, we unfollow them. But how do you unfollow a person you interact with in everyday life? Well, the best way to end a friendship is to do it with care and to reduce potential drama.
How to end a friendship with little-to-no drama
1. Set clear, firm limits (and hold to them).
Maintain a healthy boundary by limiting your time with the toxic person as well as limiting the amount of energy you give them. You may listen to what they're saying, but you don't have to engage in their rant. Limit the amount of interaction you have with them by telling them what you're doing and what limits you've put in place.
And be prepared that they'll likely test your boundaries. Honoring them is up to you.
2. Don't let their emotions infect yours.
Other people's emotions can be contagious, so stay aware of your emotions when interacting with toxic people. If they're in a negative rant, check to ensure you aren't getting into those negative emotions. If you are, you need to politely leave the situation and refresh yourself.
If the toxic person follows you or continues the rant after you've asked them to stop, you may need to cut them out of your life 100 percent for your emotional health.
3. Focus on solutions.
We all have choices. We can either go through life being problem-focused (only looking at the problem and feeling constantly discouraged), or we can be solution-focused (proactive and focused on taking strategic, healthy action). If a toxic person brings you down, take action, either by leaving the situation or focusing on the positive qualities of the toxic person. Everyone has positive qualities if we look deep enough. Focus on their positives, and if possible, use their positive skills to your advantage or the advantage of the job.
4. Monitor your stress level.
If you find yourself feeling stressed before interacting with this toxic person, realize that you must do all you can to avoid that person at this time. When we are stressed or anxious, our defenses come down, reducing our ability to cope healthily. When stress levels escalate, take time to yourself to breathe and re-center.
5. Don't go it alone.
I'm sure others also feel affected by this toxic person. Enlist their help, not in a negative manner focused against the toxic person (gossip, etc), but rather in a positive way to keep a check on yourself. You may be too close to the situation to realize when to move away from the person. Enlist healthy people to help you stay on top of your emotional health.
There are people in our lives, whether at work, school, social circles, or even family members, who we'd probably do better unfollowing for our mental well-being. In a 2015 Forbes article, Travis Bradberry explains why: “Recent research from Friedrich Schiller University in Germany shows just how serious toxic people are. They found that exposure to stimuli that cause strong negative emotions — the same kind of exposure you get when dealing with toxic people — caused subjects’ brains to have an extreme stress response.”
In other words, a toxic person is a person in our life who seems to suck the energy out of us.
They create and live in constant drama. They're needy, don't respect boundaries, are critical of others, manipulative and judgmental. It’s important to note to not say the person is toxic, but their behaviors are toxic. (This is a critical distinction not to label a person.)
Photo: wavebreakmedia via Shutterstock
In my clinical practice, I find that toxic people tend to suffer from at least one personality disorder (defined as “long-term patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy and inflexible"). The behaviors cause problems in their relationships and work environment. Most personality disorders begin in childhood and continue into adulthood. They are treatable with psychological intervention and behavior change work, as long as the person is willing to do the work needed to change their thoughts and behaviors to healthy ones. Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with their toxic behaviors, we need to either learn how to protect ourselves or know when to unfollow them in real life.
Coping with toxic people is not easy.
Understand they're most likely suffering emotionally or coping with a personality disorder, so their outward toxic behavior is a result of their suffering, which makes it possible we can learn to approach them with a bit of love. Your understanding of them, however, should not stand in the way of your emotional health.
In life, as on social media, sometimes, we just need to unfollow certain people.
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Christopher Shea, MA, CRAT, CAC-AD, LCC, is the founder and a life coach and counselor at Lifesjourney Life Coaching, LLC. He has been featured in the New York Times, BBC Worldwide, The Take Away, Spirit of Recovery, and more.