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The on-and-off-relationship is exhausting.
By Chelli Pumphrey — Written on Feb 13, 2020
After a breakup, you just want to move on and start dating again. But, what if your ex wants you back?
The sting of rejection by an ex is a pain like no other. It leaves you reeling and heartbroken.
There is plenty of dating advice and tips on how to get over a breakup.
But, when your ex returns, begging for a second chance, you can't help but wonder: should I get back with my ex?
Do you want to just figure out how to move on or is getting back together something you've been thinking about?
Your answer may not always be clear.
Here are 6 things to consider before you either move on or get back with an ex.
1. The 'one chance' rule
Consider the one chance rule. This means, if this is the first breakup you’ve had with this partner and you believe there are some redeeming qualities of the relationship, it might be worth one chance. Not two or three, but one.
Sometimes you have a fight and things fall apart, momentarily. It doesn’t mean it may not fall apart again, but we are dealing with human imperfection here.
Sometimes, it's worth another chance. However, remember that this is the "once chance" rule. If you are in a relationship that is plagued with breakups and reunions, get out now.
This is a sign of dysfunction and eventual demise of the relationship.
2. Your true feelings about your relationship
Despite your probable sadness and longing for the relationship after a breakup, try to take a bigger picture view of how you really felt when you were together.
It’s not uncommon to sugarcoat the relationship when your heart is breaking. You may hold on to the good memories and minimize the negative aspects of the relationship.
Before making a decision to return to an ex, accurately reflect on the relationship.
Did you feel happy, content, secure, and supported? Or was it full of conflict, disconnection, or other negative dynamics?
If the relationship was more difficult than easy, it's a red flag that getting back with your ex will lead to future heartbreak.
3. Whether or not there was abuse
Any form of abuse is a reason to never return to an ex. If you were in a relationship where you've been emotionally, physically, verbally, or sexually abused, and your ex is asking for a second chance...beware.
A common cycle with an abusive partner is for them to abuse and then ask for a second chance, making promises that the abuse will never be repeated.
But, the abuse is almost always repeated. It is a vicious cycle that usually requires some sort of therapeutic intervention to stop. At this point, letting go and moving on is the best thing to do for yourself.
If you think you are being abused, seek help with a professional.
4. Know your why's
Get clear on why you would reconcile with your ex.
If you truly believe your relationship was healthy and worth keeping, it might be worth the forgiveness. If you can look back and remember more conflict or moments of misery, it's unlikely things will change.
Why return to something that wasn’t good in the first place?
Know your ex’s why's as well, if you can tell. If they are making sincere claims of awareness, apology, with a goal to improve your relationship, it might be worth considering.
But, if your ex seems to want you back because they are just lonely, looking for sex, or bored, think twice.
5. Beware of the loneliness factor
The post-breakup loneliness can be devastating. It’s during this time you can be most vulnerable to returning to an ex (and maybe to an ex you don’t want to return to).
Loneliness is never a good reason to get back together. You’ll also want to decipher if your ex wants you back for the same reason. Ask questions and learn about how loneliness plays into their decision.
6. Know your worth
Seriously, if this person failed to see your worth, are they worth it? If your ex has spent any amount of time over 24 hours rejecting or ignoring you and then later comes begging to come back, consider your own worth.
Your ex failed to recognize it at the time.
Is it likely that they’ve been out looking for new partners and later realized that you were better than the rest? You don't need to wait for that.
Trust that there is plenty of fish in the sea who will recognize your worth and would never let you slip out of their hands. Believing you are worth it will help you stand up to an ex who missed the piece about just how valuable you were!
So, hopefully, when you have this chance of reconciliation with your ex, you can have a clear mind and heart to help you make a good decision.
Getting back with an ex is something many people think about it. But, before you do, remember your worth, the patterns of the past, and the promises for the future.
Let them help navigate your way into a decision.
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Chelli Pumphrey is the Love strategist and a therapist with 20+ years of experience.
This article was originally published at Meet Mindful. Reprinted with permission from the author.