Relationships 101: Back to Basics


Relationships are changing, but our unconscious expectations are still stuck in the past.

How many of you reading this blog think you know how to create a great relationship? (SILENCE) Probably not many or you wouldn’t be here! 

After going through my own inept dating experiences many, many years ago, I watched my daughters and sons go through their learning relationships.  That’s when I realized that as a society, we don’t teach our people about the things each of us desires most. We all want love. We want relationships. We want to grow. This is what we imagine can happen in a great relationship, but most of us haven’t deleted our unconscious relationship programming. To change those habits into new ones, we have to do it with our hearts, not just our minds. Knowing something isn’t the same as being someone new. 

The first step is to get back to basics!  

Personal Freedom is the Foundation of any good relationship.

At the moment, many people’s relationships are going through disruption and change. Women want to have our personal freedom in relationships — freedom to be ourselves, freedom to make our own choices, freedom to come and go. In the past, women’s choices have been much more restricted than men’s, so women are programed with an unconscious insecurity about being ourselves. (There’s a new ad recognizing that women constantly say, “I’m sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…”)  Most men feel free to do what they want — men’s genetic memory tells them they are free, the born masters of their lives and of the world.

I see many young men working to accept their partner’s freedom, but they often don’t have the tools or know-how to stop their old expectations from getting in the way. I’ve seen too many women act out their emotional pain in relationships, still struggling to find their own personal freedom. I’ve seen unconscious men and women create drama in relationships.  

Our unconscious relationship patterns are expectations that bump up against this ‘new’ belief that women and men are equal partners. When we get into a conflict between the old habit and the new idea, we find ourselves dealing with our darker emotions: anger, jealousy, lying, possessiveness, contempt, resentment, violence and more. 

Yes, it is up to each of you to choose how you deal with these emotions. But you’re not alone in feeling them.  Right now our culture is in transition and the old patterns of relationship no longer serve us. We are coming out of 3000+ years of relationship inequality between men and women. Under patriarchy, the rule is: Men come first. Women are there to serve men’s needs.

If you don't believe this anymore, stand up and give yourself kudos. We expect that we’ll know how to give each other our freedom, but how can we when unconscious programs are still running inside us that say, "Men are better than women. Men are more powerful. Women are sinners. Women are witches."   You might not consciously think those thoughts, but those beliefs still run your unconscious behaviors. And that causes trouble in relationships. Until we face these beliefs, change them and find new ones.

How we think about love and relationship is already programed into our unconscious. So even if we say we want an equal partnership, we still have to contend with our unconscious beliefs and expectations around relationships. 

We have to learn to break the old patterns. I feel both men and women want this. We want loving relationships. What’s better than LOVE? Love makes us feel safe and accepted and empowered to become who we are meant to be. When we love someone in this way, how could we not just blossom? 

Walk in the Light,

Stay tuned in for more basic rules, coming soon!


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