Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

Why Booty Calls Keep True Love Away

Love

Does your ex still have a key to your apartment and your heart? Girl, this love sabotage has to go!

“He keeps coming back and I let him in every time.”

“A part of me cannot let go.  I want it to work out between us even though I know he isn’t the one.”

I heard the sound of quiet weeping on the other end of the phone.

“Is there anything in you that whispers that he might truly change and that you would feel valued, respected and loved?” I asked gently.

“No.” Sighed Sarah. “I'm afraid he is as good as it gets.”

I could sense her throat tightening up as her voice faded to a whisper. A life time of sabotaging her love life had left her heart in shreds.  Why does she let him hurt her...over and over again.

This Rapunzel like the others before her have been deeply hurt by betrayal and lies. Fear and anger are like the mortar holding her tower of protection into place. She sabotages by isolating herself.  Even when she is with someone, she never truly opens her heart.  The problem is that the tower is single occupancy and there will never be room for a soul mate to move in.

Once Sarah could let go of her lost dreams and hopes, she began to build a new tower for herself. A Tower with bricks of self acceptance and self compassion with a mortar of love and peace.  Finally able to change the locks and delete him from her cell phone, she moved on once and for all.  12 months later she is engaged to a wonderful man.  Good for you, Sarah!

Do you have a Rapunzel style of Self Sabotage when it comes to finding love?  Here are a few signs:

  •       Natural beauty but blind to it.  Doesn’t see herself the way others see her.
  •       Survived deep emotional hurts and betrayals
  •       Deeply sensitive to other people's pain
  •       In a dead end loop driven by her need to feel in control and safe yet wanting   belong to someone forever.
  •       Holds herself back emotionally so she can bail if she needs to.
  •       Can be several years since her last significant relationship.
  •       Sensitive to emotion, she is easily overwhelmed in high emotion moments.
  •       Is inspired by quiet and can enjoy solitude.
  •       Can be counted on.
  •       Perfectionistic and demanding…..of HERSELF
  •       Over-compromises and stays in jobs and relationships well past their expiration point.

Rapunzel's big challenge is to dismantle her intricate self protection so that she can attract a man who really gets her.   Ever since her innocent crush on that first guy, who didn't even know she was alive, she has layered hurt after hurt into a tower that locks her in loneliness and desperation.

Even though you have your vision board and are saying affirmations and you are claiming that you are ready for love, you are radiating loneliness, disappointment and emptiness on an energetic level.  And girl, you have to do something about that.

A raging river of ill will toward men in general and romance in particular, rushing through your emotions, is dominating your choices, your language, your mood and your reactions to life circumstances. It controls your love life by attracting men who have raging rivers of their own.

These relationships are certain to fall apart when the pain each person feels is blamed, consciously or unconsciously on the other. Then you get into a vicious cycle and the river rages stronger and stronger.

You already have every thing you need to feel the deep magnetism that assures you that you are loved. The power of past love and disappointment is the block needing your attention.  You don't need to climb out of your tower on your own, trust yourself to choose someone to help you.  True Love is possible for you.

Knowing you are ok and everything is progressing along at its perfect rate is hard, Rapunzel, I know you are tired of waiting. Your expectations can easily get inflated setting yourself up for disappointment. 

Tell yourself things like this: “My life is unfolding at the exact right pace.” “I am learning to see good things that are coming my way…even if they are tiny.” “I want to feel happy”. “Being happy feels really good.” Even if it doesn’t feel like it is doing any good. It is. Your ears need to hear your voice carrying this positivity to your brain.

Once you radiate your authentic self, free of any fears of criticism or ridicule, you’re there. There is someone out there who is looking for exactly that….your real and true adorable self. He is out there, Sweet Rapunzel, don’t compromise what is most precious to you to stay with a man. Be a soul mate to your own Soul first, then you are ready to be open to Your True Love, you will feel it clearly.

Celebrity Saboteur:  Janet Jackson: Tender Rapunzel

Wonder if you are a Rapunzel?  Maybe you are a Sleeping Beauty or a Snow White.  Or perhaps Scarlett O'Hara is more your style.  Check out how YOU sabotage your relationships with this no-cost Sabotage Assessment:  http://budurl.com/lovesabotage
 

Explore YourTango