“I knew better.”
“I knew it was a meaningless friends with benefits deal for him.”
“I knew it wasn’t right for me.”
“But, after that glass of wine and a little cuddling, one thing led to another and….”
Jennie stopped talking. I could hear her crying softly.
“I have no control. I still care about him so much. But I feel awful today. I’m such a loser.”
Can you relate?
Jennie had a passionate relationship with a charismatic guy in college that lasted into her early 30′s. She naturally started planning her future with him. Why wouldn’t she? They started living together early on and everything looked good.
When he cheated the first time, she figured he was young and stupid. She blamed the other girl for coming on to her guy and she forgave him. Ten years later when she found him with her best friend in THEIR bed, her whole world collapsed.
Divorce, custody, alimony, lawyers and devastating depression followed. No matter how awful the process was, she couldn’t fall out of love with him.
Secretly she agreed to meet him after the divorce for ‘Ex Sex’. It felt good…their sexual chemistry never paled. So what’s the harm? Or so she thought.
But now, two years after the divorce, he is happy with being friends with benefits and Jennie is a shadow of her former sparkling self. Turning off her intuition so she could keep some sort of connection with her ex has completely destroyed her self confidence.
How can Jennie stop giving in to her ex?
Here are the tips I offered Jennie, see if some apply to you:
1. NO MORE EX SEX….no matter what! If ex sex was really harmless, would you be feeling so bad? You are the only one who can say, “No More.” Once you make the decision you can make a plan.
2. Get a Breakup Buddy: One of your friends is waiting in the wings to support you. Having secret trysts with your ex is killing you. Let someone who really loves you help you.
You don’t have to tell her the whole story until you are ready. In fact, researchers from the University of Missouri at Columbia headed by Amanda Rose, Ph.D have found that "Excessive focus on problems probably makes them seem even bigger and harder to resolve."
Your breakup buddy serves you by not letting you obsess and go on and on about your ex. Talk about ANYTHING else, but don't keep retelling the story. In fact, you can post your breakup story right here if you need to vent: http://YouBrokeUpHow.com
3. Call Your Breakup Buddy When Your Ex Calls: When he calls again, you know he will, DON’T answer. Screen his calls. Call your breakup buddy and tell her you are obsessing again. Build a team strategy with her to see him for what he is.