Create a ritual and detox your system from past lovers once and for all.
If the sexual revolution is valid and casual sex is fun and appropriate for some, why is there so much heartbreak?
Why is it so hard to move on after a break up? Why can't some women just let go? It may not be fair, but women are truly "tied" to their sexual partners. It is inevitable....it is hard wired into your biology.
According to Dr. Earl Henslin in This is Your Brain in Love, "Once a couple experiences love making, a chemical storm takes place deep inside both of their brains. A blast of oxytocin explodes and showers the brain with natural opiates we know as endorphins.....when oxytocin combines with vasopressin, this little bonding hormone instantly works like superglue in the heart....and makes you prefer your mate over all others."
These brain chemicals leave a trail, just like a meteor, and imprint themselves into your brain. This is why you feel 'hooked' on your guy. Without understanding how to undo the attachment, you may simply numb yourself to those old trails of affection.
In time, you lose the memory of the rush of the Love Chemical Cocktail that Mr. Ex produced in you, but, the pathways are still there. Want to check? Think about a past love that ended badly...with either regret or hurt. Now think of a particularly painful time between the two of you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much sting is still there?
When you recall the sting, you can still feel it, can't you? Does your chest ache, your jaw tighten, your belly hurt or do you feel nauseous? Guess what...that is NOT your imagination! You have proved to yourself that you still have a toxic trail of past neurochemicals imprinted in your brain that is making you feel just like you did when the breakup happened. Now don't panic on me...there is really good news here.
You can absolutely resolve this past pain, dissolve the old pathways and get ready for new love. Detoxing your system from past lovers and all the drama starts in your mind. Your thoughts have the power to produce the brain chemicals that will cut the energetic ties holding you to your past sexual partners.
Here are three practical steps to help you let go and move on. Some of you will need a coach, mentor or therapist to help you. If you have had a few traumatic relationships, don't go at it alone. But for those of you who are ready to do a little brain cleanse on your own, try these steps and release yourself from the toxic brain chemical hangover from lost love:
1. Do An Ex-Lover Audit: Yuck! I hear you say, I don't want to look back at all of those jerks and losers. Patience, girl, if you want to find true and lasting love, you have to be willing to find those chemical trails that are driving your decision making when it comes to men. Write a list of the men you have been intimate with. Go through the list and circle the ones that broke your heart, the ones you allowed in so deep you swore you would never do that again.
How much pain is still there? Rate each on a scale of 1 to 10. Now pause, wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze tight. You have been through a lot. Had you known better, you might not have been intimate with some of them, right? It is what it is. Be honest with yourself and simply admit how hurt you are. That alone will open the door to self-compassion and heart healing.
2. Tell a New Story: Pick one of your Mr. Ex's to use for this step. One of the best ways to change your reaction, your feelings about a former sexual partner is to change the words you use to talk about him. Your words will help you clear the energy pathway formed by your emotions. It may not be easy to do this at first, but with practice, you can become a master.
Write a short description of the worst of what happened:
"That jerk slept with my best friend. I hate her and I hate him. I will never forgive him. He broke my heart."
Pretty awful. I can see why you are so hurt. Now see if you can tell the story with less painful language:
"My ex cheated on me. I never talked to them again. I am still sad and angry."
Feel a bit different? Good. Rewrite it again with even more neutral language:
"My ex made a huge mistake. I don't know what happened to him, he disappeared. I am doing the best I can to move on."
Your choice of words can make a big dent in how you detach from the hurtful event. The energy you are using to hold hard feelings about this breakup is keeping you in a rut. You may not want to release him but if you want to find true and lasting love, you need to. Ask a good friend to help you with this. You can do it.
3. Burn Your Old Story: Now that you have decided to have a new view of your past guys, it is time to make a real statement. You will need some popsicle sticks, a pen, 92% rubbing alcohol and some matches. Popsicle sticks are just the right size to hold a sentence or two. Write out the heart of the story on each stick. One stick per heartbreak. Place the sticks into a fire safe container, pour the alcohol on the sticks and light them up. As they are burning, release your exes to their highest good. It is time to let them go and you are the only one to do it.
Creating a ritual or fire ceremony to release pain has deep roots for humanity. I like to take my burning bowl to the beach or into the garden for my ceremonies. Take the steps and see for yourself. If you have a stubborn connection that won't budge, do the process again...as many times as you need to. You may even want to have a Purge the Past Party and invite your single girl friends to support you.
The bottom line is that you are the only one who can change your thoughts about lost love. Your memories will fade in time and choosing a different story will re-build your self confidence. Cut those ties and create some forward momentum for yourself today!
Curious about YOUR Love Magnet? Http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com and see how strong your love vibe is today!
Catherine Behan is a Dating, Sex and Intimacy Coach practicing in San Diego, CA. For a free 20 minute chat to explore your Sexual Confidence or lack thereof, click here.