Do you sabotage your love life by being too nice? 5 easy steps to shed the super sweet vibe.
I meet a lot of Scarletts who have been bullied by life into being a Snow White. Passionate from an early age, Scarlett emotes poetically and dramatically. Deeply inquisitive, a bit of an introvert when young and a sharp wit, she has always felt misunderstood. This sets up a web of defensiveness that is hard for intimates to reach through.
Scarletts often find themselves alone on Saturday nights during their teens and twenties. In their view, the sweet girls get the guy. Taking a vow to be sweet at all costs, these American Beauties squeeze themselves into a self imposed prison of patience.
Of course, little does she know that the Snow Whites of the world are trying to be like Scarletts. In their view, the smart sassy girls catch the hot guys attention. Snow White hates confrontation and often feels pushed by Scarlett's stronger vibe, so it is hard for deep friendships to grow between the two.
Scarlett hates confrontation too, don't get me wrong, it is just that she has a much shorter fuse. Snow White's fuse wraps all around the neighborhood and is generally so tangled, it can take her years to blow her top! Snow Whites move slowly and methodically and that drives Scarlett crazy!
So, what is a Sweet Scarlett to do? First order of business, she gets to stop being sweet. It is time for her to realize that it is wearing her out to be that sweet. Her love sabotage has taken the form of projecting an image different than her nature. That's just not sustainable. So what can you do?
Think about Samantha and Miranda on Sex in the City. Scarlett through and through, Samantha always tells it like it is. Even though Miranda may be abrupt, she always expresses true affection in her Scarlett way. Neither were as sweet as Charlotte and you never saw them try to be.
Do people tell you how sweet you are and you think, "I am not sweet.?" Do you have some crash and burns that chain you to the couch for days, weeks or even months? Do you have road rage? Do girlfriends let you down again and again? If so, here are some quick steps you can take to claim your Scarlett Sass and be sweet no more!
1. Investigate: Think back to your growing up years. Was there an extra special and very sweet person in your life? A dear grandma or adored elderly neighbor or maybe even a music teacher? Let your Inner Being shine the spot light on that person. Chances are she was an unintentional role model for you in the past and you created a belief that her nature was some how more valuable than yours.
2. Reclaim: Think of someone in your life who really bugs you. Not a family member or close friend. Someone who is inefficient at work is perfect. Ask yourself this question, "Why does it bother me that she_______________?" Whatever answer you receive internally, ask another "Why does that bothe"r me question. Repeat this as many times as you want. Notice your feelings and thoughts. Does your throat feel tight? Does your belly feel upset? Just notice what you feel and think. Lay your hand on the part of your body that is getting your attention and breathe, breathe, breathe. That is your real self feeling its real feeling and whatever comes to you is a message from your Inner Being.
3. Write a letter: Write a letter to yourself as a child (I know this is a little woowoo, but bear with me...how much do you want to find a man?) Tell your young self that it wasn't such a good idea to try to be some one else and that you can see how hard it has been.
Just explain in your own terms how you feel about not being able to be yourself when you were a kid. No one knew how to help you be a Scarlett. You are dramatic and high spirited. You get really mad and really sad. Then some sappy Snow White comes along and tries to cheer you up.
As you explain and apologize to your younger self, you air out the thoughts that have been hidden in the closet of your mind. After you write the letter, you may want to burn it (safely, of course). I like rituals, they feel good to me. Studies say that is because of the long history of rituals in human societies. For me, burning a letter like this tells the Universe I am really letting it go. I watch the fire until it goes out.
4. Write a New Belief Starter: Take a moment and think about this. When your hair is on fire (Thanks @barbgarrison) and life is really biting at your heels, what can other people say to you, or rather, what do you want to hear? This is a great exercise for you, Scarlett! Start by listing all the annoying things people have said to you when you just wanted to be left alone.
Things like "It will be better." "You take things too seriously, just lighten up." "Have you ever tried yoga?" You know what I mean.
Now write 5 sentences that you could tolerate hearing when you are really at a breaking point. This step is critical, dear Scarlett, because as lonely as you are and as much as you wish that men would connect with you, you sabotage yourself in love if you don't let people communicate with you when you are upset. Go back and read that again.
You just need to teach others what you need to hear when you are upset. Write your five sentences and then send them in an email to someone on the front line of your support team. It may be your mom, your sister, your best friend or even your coach.
Once you know what you need to hear so you can bounce back from the blues and you give it to your closest contacts, you will start feeling better right away.
5. Rent a Favorite or New Romantic Movie and Cry Your Little Eyes Out: A great release, tears flood your brain and body with deeply comforting hormones and neurotransmitters that will wash through you like a gentle inner rain fall. Pretty poetic for a Snow White, don't you think?
Scarlett, we Snow Whites and Rapunzels don't mean to get on your last nerve. We just feel clueless when it comes to responding to your meltdowns. We adore you....you bring spark to our lives and truth be told, we live a bit vicariously through you and your Manolos.
If you tell us what you want to hear when your hair is on fire (another thanks @barbgarrison) we will be able to remind you of something that will ease the pressure. And while you are at it, email me at LOALoveCoach@gmail.com and tell me what you came up with!
Snow White? Or maybe Rapunzel. Could Scarlett O'Hara be your style? Take the http://saboteursurvey.com and find out right now!