Said: "I love to flirt." (Heard: "I've got it and you don't.")
Said: "It's not my fault that guys are so easy'. (Heard: "I've got it and you don't stand a snowman's chance in hell of ever having it.")
Said: "It's just the way I am." ( Heard: "I am made different than you. There's something wrong with you.")
An unspoken conversation or one like it has been experienced by thousands of women who are frustrated, tired of self sabotage and ready to throw in the towel when it comes to finding love. Unbeknownst to each one, at some level a physical memory of feeling hopelessly and permanently disconnected acts like a fuse. This fuse stands always ready to carry a spark to the heart of that very memory.
No one would argue that our social nature is hard wired into our DNA. The drive to be communal is primitive and constant. The inner circles formed by adolescents are emotionally unstable by right!
When a member of your earliest inner circle behaved badly, your brain was flooded with stress chemicals--a neuro-chemical attention getter. "This feels terrible...let's make sure this doesn't happen again." Like an early warning system, you will feel this feeling everytime you try to trust again.
It is the natural chemistry of your body that creates the "Oh no, there is something wrong here" feeling. It is your natural defense system stopping your momentum. When someone hurts your feelings it stops you dead in your tracks, doesn't it? This is supposed to happen. You have to decide if that inner circle person should stay or go. The earlier you make that call, the easier it is to walk it out.
But, you don't want to evict someone from your inner circle too quickly. At some point in your past, someone really hurt you and that experience left a neuro-chemical bookmark designed to help you avoid that feeling. Ironically, no matter how hard you try, life deals a string of similar hurts along the road to right now.
These people in the past who have hurt your feelings have trained your brain to "RUN!" before you get hurt. If you are ready to change your brain, you keep the inner circle person around. It is the perfect lab for your new chemistry experiments!
When you address the hurt-feelings feeling physically by using your brain chemistry to reverse itself, you close the book on the past experiences for good.
Breakups of any kind are always accompanied by a hurricane of stress chemicals. The brain is on auto-pilot when it comes to shock and personal betrayal ranks high in neuro-chemical responses.
Adolescent crushes are dramatic and traumatic. Imagine one of your adult breakups. Now multiply it by a thousand. I sure wouldn't want to go back to that time! There are very good reasons our memories fade. We just need to make sure the chemical lights are out before we slam the door!
Thanks to Dr. Berit Brogaard, I am learning how to let go of those memories that are still plugged in and receiving stress chemicals from my very efficient inner chemical factory. I am amazed to discover that I am actually experiencing feelings without thought for the first time ever.
I have a hurt-feelings feeling, an ache in my upper chest and throat, that is at the bottom of any disappointment, no matter what the category of life is pushing my buttons at the moment. I am still getting to know that feeling. On a scale of 1 to 10 I can get to 10 easily when recalling a past relationship breakup.
When your neuro-chemicals are raging through your body screaming for your attention, they are also over-riding your rational thinking, intuitive guidance and immune system. You are blinded, by your own biology, to optimistic, hopeful and solution oriented thinking.
EFT, breathing, music, eating, going outside, feeding treats to the cats, taking walks and drinking water all turn off my hot faucet and tap into the brain soothing chemicals that bring relief. Once the hurt-feelings feeling is gone, then I look at the life issue and ask these three questions: What is working here? What is not working? What do I want instead?
There are hundreds of techniques and fabulous practitioners of the woo woo and mainstream persuasion ready and able to help you find and turn off your run away stress chemicals. When you meet someone you are strongly drawn to as a coach or mentor, you will have a challenge making your decision. After all, your default inner guidance system is conditioned to avoid change.
At first, talking to her is going to feel really, really good. What if this person got you and could plug into what is blocking your progress right now? What if you could be respected and listened to? What if you got the break you have been waiting for and life really improved?
All of this feels wonderful and yes you want to invite her into your inner circle. But, if you let anyone into your circle, you open up to the possibility of being hurt. Bingo. A surge of "Get me out of here" neuro-chemicals flood your body and you think, "Run!"
So, here's the bottom line. You have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "How good am I at "Do-It-Yourself (Fill in the Blank) Coaching?" If you are still waiting for love, weight loss, money, success or prosperity, you can be certain that the regulator on your self protective brain chemistry is set too high. You can test it out on the next coach you talk to.
When the coach you are interviewing offers you a coaching program, notice how you feel. Focus on your body and see if you can feel anything going on in your chest, shoulders or jaw. If you do, here is the million dollar question: Who in your past made you feel the same way? Let your mind drift back and take you where it wants. If you find a connection, you have your answer.
Choose wisely, but choose. Let yourself stop being a Do-It-Yourself (Fill in The Blank) Coach and get moving. It really doesn't matter who you choose. If you trust your gut and work with someone you genuinely resonate with, you will leave that coaching arrangement with a new perspective and renewed enthusiasm for your goals.
You don't have to know how the chemistry works to be in a successful relationship. Just knowing you can reverse your painful memories with tangible results will put wind back in your sails and send you on your way. The revolving door in your inner circle will change when hurt feelings are understood instead of feared.
What if you could wash your Ex right out of your mind? Wishful thinking? No. The very best thing you can do is to detox your body and mind. Because of current brain research, you can now walk through your breakup healing with a step by step plan.
As I found out when I recovered from my divorce, there really is a bit of sweetness in every breakup. You are amazing and deserve to be free to try love again. Maybe a bit of Breakup Candy will inspire you too.