Said: "I love to flirt." (Heard: "I've got it and you don't.")
Said: "It's not my fault that guys are so easy'. (Heard: "I've got it and you don't stand a snowman's chance in hell of ever having it.")
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Said: "It's just the way I am." ( Heard: "I am made different than you. There's something wrong with you.")
An unspoken conversation or one like it has been experienced by thousands of women who are frustrated, tired of self sabotage and ready to throw in the towel when it comes to finding love. Unbeknownst to each one, at some level a physical memory of feeling hopelessly and permanently disconnected acts like a fuse. This fuse stands always ready to carry a spark to the heart of that very memory.
No one would argue that our social nature is hard wired into our DNA. The drive to be communal is primitive and constant. The inner circles formed by adolescents are emotionally unstable by right!
When a member of your earliest inner circle behaved badly, your brain was flooded with stress chemicals--a neuro-chemical attention getter. "This feels terrible...let's make sure this doesn't happen again." Like an early warning system, you will feel this feeling everytime you try to trust again.
It is the natural chemistry of your body that creates the "Oh no, there is something wrong here" feeling. It is your natural defense system stopping your momentum. When someone hurts your feelings it stops you dead in your tracks, doesn't it? This is supposed to happen. You have to decide if that inner circle person should stay or go. The earlier you make that call, the easier it is to walk it out.
But, you don't want to evict someone from your inner circle too quickly. At some point in your past, someone really hurt you and that experience left a neuro-chemical bookmark designed to help you avoid that feeling. Ironically, no matter how hard you try, life deals a string of similar hurts along the road to right now.
These people in the past who have hurt your feelings have trained your brain to "RUN!" before you get hurt. If you are ready to change your brain, you keep the inner circle person around. It is the perfect lab for your new chemistry experiments!
When you address the hurt-feelings feeling physically by using your brain chemistry to reverse itself, you close the book on the past experiences for good.
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Breakups of any kind are always accompanied by a hurricane of stress chemicals. The brain is on auto-pilot when it comes to shock and personal betrayal ranks high in neuro-chemical responses.
Adolescent crushes are dramatic and traumatic. Imagine one of your adult breakups. Now multiply it by a thousand. I sure wouldn't want to go back to that time! There are very good reasons our memories fade. We just need to make sure the chemical lights are out before we slam the door!