Everyone is Somebody's Ex: Simple Steps to Breakup Recovery

“You come across as an ice queen, you know.” 

He said it to Jeanie so matter of factly it snapped her head back.  “What?” She whimpered back.  She had just listed the faults of her latest ex and the horrible breakup to her newest friendly bartender and expected him to rush to her defense.  The guy had cheated on her after all.  Jeanie, a Rapunzel, is always in the middle of drama and trauma.

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“When you talk about your breakup, you are cold as steel.”

“Why wouldn’t I be. He CHEATED!” She hissed at him.

“Everyone gets hurt.  Everyone is somebody’s Ex.  I see the men look at you as you go on and on about how bad it is for you.  They go out of the way to stay out of your way. You come across as a bitch.”

Jeanie’s shoulders slumped.  As pissed off as she was at the bartender who was giving her the same line all his brother drink servers had told her in the past, she knew what he said was the truth.

If you are living day to day guarding yourself against heart break or can’t get your ex out of your mind, you could be projecting an "I'm not available" image. Living careful is no way to live.

Not only that, the “I’m ok being single” image or vibe is amazingly efficient at keeping the "right" type of man out of your experience. How do I know this to be true? Exactly, how many prospects with real potential have you dated in the last year? I rest my case!

Do your friends see you as cold or snarky?

If you think you might be sending out this "I am ok being single." vibe when you want to be sending a "I'm ready for a man with substance " vibe, it is wise to ask a couple of key questions:

1.  What is working in your life right now?  Scan the major life areas, friendships, creativity, career, finances, health, family, romance and life purpose.  Rank every area from 1 to 10.  As hard as it is, you must wrestle with your mind and choose to focus on the parts of your life that are better than the others.  It is your focus on what is working in your life that makes you seem warmer and more approachable.

2.  What are the advantages of being single? You might not come up with many at first, but as you work at it, I bet you surprise yourself. Once your list is complete, go through each item and decide mindfully whether or not you are negotiable on it.

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This self reflection may be just what the doctor ordered in helping you discover why you are still single.  You are used to living alone and there may be some deal breakers that you need to undo.

3.  If you still don't see yourself as unapproachable, ask a close friend, coach or pastor to go through your list with you. Her view of your current state of affairs or lack of (sorry, couldn't resist) may add extra dimension to your self exploration.