How To Beat Anger And Make Relationship Conflict Work For You

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How To Beat Anger And Make Relationship Conflict Work For You
YourTango Experts teach us how to get to the root of conflict and fight against anger.

1. Acts of revenge will cause you to lose respect for yourself in the aftermath. When your rage/anger settles down (and it will, guaranteed), you WILL judge yourself for your conduct during this time. And if you've behaved in an uncharacteristically cruel or mean way, feelings of shame, guilt and regret shall next be in hot pursuit of you.

2. Revenge is but an illusion of a quick fix. I KNOW that in your imagination it feels good to do something now – to lash out, reciprocate the pain, and damn well give him what he deserves. But revenge will NOT instantaneously make your pain go away like it wants you to believe. In fact, inflicting pain only ensures you'll experience similar pain, again, in the future.Getting Revenge On Your Ex: Is It Worth It?


3. Fantasizing about and plotting revenge become self-swallowing obsessions. This means they'll indefinitely distract you from what really matters (ie: caring for your kids) and impede, if not completely stop, your healing. Underneath all that rage lies a broken heart…and to its tending and mending is where your energy needs be channeled. Ultimately revenge hurts you more than it does your partner.

If you look deep inside yourself, some wise aspect of you already knows the above to be true. So heed that voice, get the healthy support you need from friends and family, and remember who you really are—a kind, beautiful, loving person—when you're tempted to behave badly.
Delaine Moore, Dating/Life Coach

Map Your Thoughts And Feelings To Help Neutralize Them
All of your feelings are natural, necessary and normal. However it is important to decide how you will let them effect you. This is called emotion regulation and you can practice it by changing your thoughts so that they will create new feelings and moods. The formula is simple but it takes practice.

Let's say that you have a horrible argument with your partner and you are angry and feeling rejected. On a piece of paper, list all the feelings that you are having. Then next to those feelings, list the thoughts that accompany the feelings. What's Your Emotional EQ?

It maybe something like: Feelings Accompanying Thoughts
I feel frustrated. "He makes me feel stupid"
I feel angry. "She always talks down to me"

The next step is to ask yourself: what is the evidence to support that thought? Make a list of what comes to mind.
It may look like: Evidence
He thinks I don't understand what he's talking about.
She uses a tone that sounds really parental

Finally, in the column next to your evidence, write all the facts that do not support your thoughts.
That may look like: Supporting Facts
Last week he told me that I really saved us money on those airline tickets.
Yesterday, she told me that I was a great dad.

Article contributed by

Carin Goldstein MFT

Marriage and Family Therapist

Carin Goldstein, MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles as well as the witty writer of Be the Smart Wife where she writes about the trials and tribulations of how to naviagate through your marriage. Sign up for Be the Smart Wife bi-weekly posts and connect with Carin on facebook and twitter. If you live in the Los Angeles area and are interested in learning more about Carin's psychotherapy services, visit her website at

Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Empowering Women, Marriage
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