They say that the brain is your largest sex organ because it determines your emotions which directly affects your sex life. So let's take a look at emotional reasons that contribute to this problem.
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Although I see individuals and couples who come to me because of concerns about low sexual desire, I work with more clients who report this as one of the many problems they would like to work on in their lives. I typically give them an assignment to complete at home. I ask them to write 100 endings to the following statement: "I don't want to have sex because…"
This is an extremely helpful diagnostic tool because, when low sexual desire is emotional, it typically breaks down into the following categories:
• Resentments. In relationships, it is common for one person to feel resentful that his or her needs are not being met. When the relationship becomes toxic, that person will turn off sexually because other needs (communication, equal child-rearing, etc.) are being ignored.
• Mistrust. When a partner suspects or has discovered that there has been infidelity, it either increases or decreases sexual desire. Sex is such an intimate connection in a relationship that a partner will not want to share that intimacy once he or she feels a third party has experienced it.
• Poor sexual technique. Many people complain that their partners have never met their sexual needs and as a result they lose their sexual desire. Women complain that their partner doesn't spend enough time or energy pleasing them, and men complain that women won't experiment or "spice up" their sex lives. Sex becomes a power struggle and lack of desire is the casualty.
• Previous physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Men or women who have been abused in the past report that as their emotional relationship develops, they lose interest in their sexuality. This can occur because of the fear of intimacy. They fear if they really trust their partners, they will be exploited again, so it is better to lose the desire than to suffer more pain in the future.
The bottom line is, you are responsible for your own sexuality and it is important for you to get your sexual needs met. If you are in a relationship, it is important to work on this area, because a poor sexual relationship will have ripple affects in other areas of your life. If you feel alot of anger towards your partner, it is time to get into some counseling to resolve the issues.
I often ask clients to spend time talking about resentments or betrayals they have experienced and develop rituals to let them go so they can move on to developing closeness and forgiveness. I encourage clients to talk about techniques and to practice exercises that reconnect them, emotionally and physically.
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Many clients ask how they can let go of anger. They must share their feelings with their partners and work on solving problems so other resentments don't form. They can then redirect feelings and notice the positives in the relationship.
On occasion, after clients try these techniques, they still see no improvement in desire. I ask them to focus on enjoying the parts of sex that are pleasurable and not focus on libido or orgasm.
Many couples have reported an increase in closeness, tenderness, and attention when they focus on nonsexual touch. Whatever your issue, enjoy your spouse. Empower yourself to get the most out of your relationship.