Couples On My Couch: Just Hug Her!

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Couples On My  Couch:  Just Hug Her!

"You mean, just hug her?"

"Yes," I say.

 

"If I feel like you understand my feelings, I don't feel like I'm carrying them by myself," she says. "I feel better when you're sweet instead of mean., even if I'm mean first."

"The more you can be aware of how you feel and what you need, the less likely you are to start yelling at him," I say. "You can name the feelings and ask him for what you need emotionally. Obviously, that makes it a lot easier for him to feel okay about approaching you. Yelling and lashing out is more likely to make him want to either respond the same way and fight, or to shut down and flee."

"If I know its about how you're feeling and not about me, that will help me to not get defensive," he says. "I'll want to help instead of just wanting to protect myself."

"I'm going to work on knowing how I'm really feeling so I can telll you," she says. "I'm not good at apologizing. I'm going to start saying 'I'm sorry' more often when I know I'm taking stuff out on you."

I'm about to share my enthusiasm for sincere apologies and repair attempts, but her husband is already responding. "Apologies are nice," he says. "But what I really like is make up sex."

His wife and I both laugh. This guy sincerely cares about his marriage. He wants to be there for her and make her happy. He's a modern man who doesn't mind helping around the house and enjoys helping care for their children. He knows that "hungry" and "tired" and "I have to pee" aren't the only feelings one can experience, but he's still a guy. If he's responsive to her feelings and shows her emotional support when she needs to express them, his chances of more sex (make up and otherwise) will improve drastically.

"You're on the right track," I say. "When the emotional connection is good, women often feel much more inclined to want to connect physically."

His eyes light up. "So, all that is more likely if I just hug her?"

His wife is nodding as I emphasize those three little words I can't remind men of often enough, "Just hug her."

 
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