Today, I can admit it. I was scared that I’d eventually lose you. My fragile male ego couldn’t get past the thought.
You were so beautiful that I was frightened none of it was real. Relationships like the one we had, in my mind, were a dream. I’m sorry that at the time I wasn’t a wiser man. I’m sorry that I put up a wall that blocked the most important parts of me. Parts like my sensibilities, my heart and my mind.
It’s been 16 years and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I have no pictures from that time because I would never stand still long enough to pose for one with you. Something I also regret.
Once in awhile I’ll go to your Facebook just so I can see a photo of you. It makes me feel juvenile and foolish but my curiosity has conditioned me to never stop searching for you.
It wasn’t until 2007 when a male friend asked me if I was married. I said, no and went on to give him some ridiculous rationale that, “it’s just not worth it for me.” I recited some statistic about divorce and then went on to say that we “don’t need anybody. “ “We come into this world alone and we die alone.” He didn’t argue. He nodded at me and then said something that changed my views forever.
What he told me was this: “If you meet someone and you marry them, and then you have children and raise a family; and if after 20 years together, it all comes apart; you’ll still have your children and 20 years of memories. Marriage is like an RRSP. It’s a pretty good investment. Once in awhile it might lose value but over time, it’s always going to be worth more than you originally put into it.”
So, if I could ever find you and you were still a single woman; I’d break myself to try and win you back. If I never find you and we never see one another ever again, you were probably the most important person in my life. Finally, if you’re reading this, it comes sixteen years too late and I’m sad for that. You deserved better from me.
Had I looked at our relationship as the investment it could have been, I would have invested my blood and my bones. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand what you meant to my life.
For the rest of you though, get your act together.
Living with even a single regret will weigh on you for the rest of your life. It’s sad but true. Having the smiles, laughter, tears and memories of the true love you passed on enter your mind each day isn’t worth as much as making the commitment to share them with her forever.
Don’t screw it up.
Be sure to visit The Beta Male Chronicles for more insider's scoop, andthe RAW stories on the lost loves, pain & regrets of a single commitment phobic man.
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