Two Steps To Being A Great Lover

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Two Steps To Being A Great Lover
Believe it or not, the Golden Rule is flawed. You'll do better with the Platinum.
Believe it or not, the Golden Rule is flawed. You'll do better with the Platinum.

Would you like to be a great lover, both in and out of bed? If so, and I suspect the answer is yes, come up close and I’ll whisper a secret. It’s about learning not to project.

To explain: the vast majority of us go through our lives sussing out what others want by assuming they’re just like us, in other words that they want what we would want if we were in their situation. The Golden Rule specifically recommends this: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” 

Would you like to be a great lover, both in and out of bed? If so, and I suspect the answer is yes, come up close and I’ll whisper a secret. It’s about learning not to project.

To explain: the vast majority of us go through our lives sussing out what others want by assuming they’re just like us, in other words that they want what we would want if we were in their situation. The Golden Rule specifically recommends this: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” 

Nice idea, but in practice it can be iffy. Other people are, by definition, different from you, and so what works for you won’t necessarily work for them—different strokes for different folks and all that. When we make others a mirror of ourselves, we blind ourselves to these differences (and to people's real needs) and commit what psychologists call “projection.” Our self-image stands between us and others. We get in our own way, literally.

Projection is narcissistic—“Hello, me!”—and kind of masturbatory, too. After all, if it’s my own projected self I’m in relationship with, the only person I can possibly play with is myself.

“Narcissistic” and “masturbatory” are not words typically associated with being a great lover. No, what makes great lovers great is that they actually connect with others—magnificently. And this requires them to step away from their projections into ... let’s call it a world of difference.

Learning to see things as they really are, rather than through the fog of our projections, is a lifelong challenge. Becoming a great lover is, too. But you can accelerate your progress by following these two principles:

1. Disregard the First Commandment. As we've seen, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is premised on projection—and projection situates us in Billy Idol’s world of Dancing with Myself, not the Land of Great Lovers.

Luckily there’s another rule that’s—I'll put it bluntly—wiser.

2. Go Platinum. With the Platinum Rule, instead of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” you have “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.”

There’s a huge shift embedded in these three small shifted pronouns:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
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Carl Frankel

Author

Carl Frankel is a writer specializing in sex and relationships. He is also a relationship coach and the managing director of Sheri Winston's Center for the Intimate Arts.

He is the author of Love and the More Perfect Union: Six Keys to Relationship Bliss. He is also a listed author on the forthcoming Succulent Sexcraft: Your Hands-On Guide to Erotic Play and Practice, by Sheri Winston with Carl Frankel. This is the highly-awaited sequel to Sheri's Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secrets Maps to Buried Pleasure, which won the 2010 AASECT Book of the Year Award (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists).

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Location: Kingston, NY
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