The Depth of a Man


The Depth of a Man
Carista Luminare on the depths, challenges, and glories of a committed relationship.

The good news is that we can learn what healthy love is. We can uncover our patterns from the past, change them, and create new patterns that re-wire our neural circuits and deepen our relationship (or our future one).  

For our heart to fully open, we need to be held with love.  Every infant has specific needs that when fulfilled, make them feel secure and happy.  Adults have exactly the same needs, including safety, kindness, and understanding. If our parents didn't hold us in a loving embrace, it’s difficult to hold another’s heart with tenderness.


The latest neuroscience shows that we can actually rewire our brains – we can learn to respond with love rather than fear or defensiveness. But to be successful in this transition, both partners must join together in the process of rewiring toward secure attachment.  We can learn to love well. When our hearts open, magic happens. Attraction and passion go exponential!

I want a man who isn’t just attracted to my surface beauty (which is temporal).  It can be hijacked by a bad mood, a menstrual cramp, a hot flash, or the sun's impact on my aging skin.  Our shining radiance can be dulled by hard work, or a sleep-deprived night, or worry, anxiety, or a work deadline.

Men: I’m sorry, but we can't always be the perfect Love Goddess for you.  We have moods, and we have unfulfilled needs.  Learn to love us anyway, in all of our shifting glory.  We are the wind, the ocean, the ever-changing weather.  Your love must transcend your own needs at times.  Love us for the fullness we are.

Sisters: Own the fullness of who you are. You might have been taught to become an idealized version of yourself, like a beauty queen, an animated Disney character, or a TV actress portraying the perfect wife.  But we are much more than those 2-dimensional cartoons. 

What a “deep man” wants is our flowing river of femininity.  He is able to navigate the rapids of our fluid emotion as well as the calm waters. He, in turn, is willing to reveal his vulnerable heart as much as we do ours.  Understand your patterns. Rewire your brain.  Go deep, and have fun!

Article contributed by

Carista Luminare, Ph.D. & Lion Goodman

Marriage/Couples Counselor

Carista and Lion


Carista Luminare, Ph.D.   &   Lion Goodman



Location: San Rafael, CA
Credentials: PhD
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