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My Soulmate Left Me To Die

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My Soulmate Left Me To Die
Heartbreak, Love

Not once have you asked me how I am doing nor contact me after my suicide attempt.

To my soulmate who saw me overdose yet never checked in on me to make sure I was okay, this letter is for you:

Boy meets girl. Girl avoids boy because girl does not want to get her heart broken. Boy pursues her for 3 months. Girl gives her heart to boy. Boy leaves. Girl is heartbroken.

My previous relationship before you was physically and emotionally abusive. The day I escaped the hell I was living in, my ex-boyfriend slapped me with a loaded gun and pointed it at my head while I was on the floor, praying he would get over with it quickly and my family wouldn't have to see me in a pool of my own blood.

I was upfront about everything concerning my past, including the fact that I suffer from Lupus, a chronic illness. I explained to you that Lupus is an autoimmune disease that attacks your body because it can't differentiate between healthy and unhealthy cells.

I became progressively sicker over the course of our relationship and was diagnosed with a rare condition: Subacute Combined Degeneration, a result of vitamin deficiencies believed to have originated from the Lupus.

It was all out of my control and somehow, when you walked out on me, I managed to blame myself.

But let's back up.

A few months after receiving my diagnosis, you told me you didn't know what the future holds because of the uncertainty of my chronic illness.

What kind of man who is supposedly "deeply" in love with a woman questions their future, regardless of how short or long their future is? Are you able to promise me with 100 percent certainty you won't walk out the door one morning to go to work and get in a fatal car accident?

No, you can't promise me that. Just like I couldn't promise you that my health issues weren't going to result in premature death. 

But when you got down on one knee and asked me to marry you, were you just doing it for shits and giggles because from my standpoint, marriage was part of our future.

The traditional marriage vows are: "I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

Do you remember seeing the devastation in my eyes? Did you ever once consider my feelings and what I deserved — or did it always have to be about you first?

Love is about putting another person first. I mean that in a sense of feelings, considerations, compromises, and so forth. It's having a strong sense of self that makes you able to be selfless with another.

You blamed my irresponsibility with money for the reason you left. That was your excuse. The real reason is because you are a scared, selfish little boy who doesn't possess the basic ability to communicate. 

The following day after you left, or the day after that, I overdosed on pills. Remember? Good, because I don't. What I do remember, to a certain extent, is being carried by my mom and aunt from the floor inside of our home to the car. You were nowhere to be found. Let me ask you... did you text or call me to see how I was doing?

Nope! You let me lay on the couch and floor in "our home" and called my mom because you didn't know what to do. I do not remember that evening nor do I have the desire to.

The day you walked out on me was the day you left me for dead. I questioned my sanity, my worth and everything we went through in almost 3 years. And all I seemed to be worth was a phone call to my mom to come get me... like I was being pawned off on someone else... like I was disturbing your life so tremendously.

I don't care how many mistakes someone makes, NO ONE should ever have to feel as if they slept next to a complete stranger for over 2 years and then thrown out in the trash.

You are exactly what is wrong with our generation. My parents' generation, for the most part, is selfless, kind, hard-working, and determined. Our generation is mostly selfish, entitled, and only do what is minimally required or asked.

Who the hell do you think you are to judge me and my absences from work due to my chronic conditions while you won't even renew your licenses or certifications? Do you think you deserve it on a gold platter with diamonds spread over it? Newsflash, sweetheart... the effort, or lack thereof, put forth is exactly what you'll receive. 

It wasn't me, it was you actually applies in this horrific nightmare. You were the problem. You were silent and continued ignoring my questions (like if you were so unhappy, why didn't you say something when I was breaking into my 401k to help you, financially? Why did you accept the Playstation 4 for your birthday a month and a half prior to your permanent leave?)

You told me you were unhappy and it was progressive so I can't imagine you were happy on your birthday and within a month and a half, you weren't. That's actually a rapid decline in your unhappiness, not progressive.

Here's the reason you left: you wanted to do anything and everything with minimal to no responsibility as an adult.

Money is first in your world. In my world, making memories and cherishing moments is first and that's not a world you deserve to be in yet. People call the present a gift because you are not promised tomorrow and the only time you have in this world is the present... also known as a gift.

Before you can enter this precious gift called the present, you need to become self-aware. You need to know who you are and build a solid foundation or core of yourself, to not take ANYTHING for granted, to show gratitude rather than speak of it, and to think less of what you have to show for something and think more about how you can spend your days in the present. 

I may have temporarily lost myself because of my health or because I was busy fighting for you and for us, but because I have a solid core of who I am, what I am, what I am worth, and what I deserve, I have become a resilient and strong individual.

And because of that, I wouldn't have left you for dead had you overdosed or did something to hurt yourself. I would have helped you, supported you, and been by your side no matter what. 

I wanted to write this to you and call you names, wish bad things happen to you but honestly, after writing this, I feel sorry for you. The fact that you don't know the true value and meaning of life because you're either too far ahead or way in the past is a sad story.

And even with writing you this letter, I can still say that I will always and forever love you with all of my heart. Even with the anger, rage, and hatred that flows through my veins for everything you did to me and by leaving without ever communicating with me, I can still say that I am here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on.

It may not be like that tomorrow, a week or month from now, but I can only speak on the gift of the present that I can only hope you someday are able to experience. 

Love Always,

Your Left For Dead Ex-Fiance

 

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