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It might seem counterintuitive, but real love and mutual respect begin with self-love and respect.
By Brittney Lindstrom — Last updated on Oct 17, 2022
Sometimes you meet someone and you are absolutely certain this is going to be the love of your life. Then a few months pass and for some reason they — or even you — just aren't feeling it as intensely as either of you expected.
You may both be confused as to why that person hasn't fallen, but then, if you really think about it, it just may be the case that this person (which still may be you) has never truly been in love with anyone at all.
This may naturally lead you to wonder if the issue isn't this particular pairing, but whether or not some people simple are not capable of falling in love.
Are some people incapable of love? Am I?
Yes, there are people in the world who are incapable of love. Sadly, it happens more often than anyone would like to admit.
People who are incapable of love don't love themselves. Without that, they can't possibly love another person or even know how to experience love if they haven't learned to love who they are first. Therefore, maintaining a loving relationship is nearly impossible for them.
What causes someone to be incapable of love?
The reasons may stem from their negative childhood experiences, past relationship traumas, or the basic nature of their personality.
12 signs someone is incapable of love
1. Blaming others for their own problems.
People who are not capable of love often have a tendency to blame problems on other people. They lack insight into how they may be contributing to the problem.
They are narrow-minded and only focused on how a situation or relationship benefits them or holds them back. They rarely put fault in themselves for things not working out as they planned.
2. Not taking accountability or responsibility for any wrongdoing.
People who lack the ability to fully love someone have a limited ability to see their fault in situations or relationships. Instead of working on things in the relationship as a two-way street, it's often one-sided, and apologies don't come easily (if ever).
If someone can't even love themselves, how are they supposed to see fault in their limited and narrow mind? They can't. And they won't even try.
3. Making excuses for a stream of failed relationships.
Again, having to own up to something takes some sort of self-awareness and knowledge about yourself.
Instead, people who can't love may make excuses for their behavior, such as, "Oh I was drunk, don't take it personally," "I don't usually act like that," and, my personal favorite, "You just made me so mad."
Justification and making excuses are common in those who lack a sense of self and have no capability of loving another person.
4. Giving up on relationships easily.
People who are Incapable of love may simply give up if something or someone doesn't benefit them anymore. They don't think about the other person. To be quite frank, they don't really care.
When something no longer serves a purpose that favors the loveless person, their interest in a person and the relationship diminishes.
5. Showing little interest in growing as a person.
As a result of the above statements, this person will not show much interest in personal growth.
As time goes on, you'll notice their attention span shortening, almost as if they are saying they don't care without speaking the words out loud.
6. Poor communication skills.
As a result of someone being unable to love and their general close-minded nature, they communicate infrequently.
They will allow upset or hurt feelings to stir up inside of them until they can't handle it anymore and they explode. This frustration is within them so they really shouldn't be blaming someone else.
7. Being emotionally withdrawn.
They will emotionally withdraw from the relationship while you may or may not be aware of what is happening in their mind due to their emotional difficulties. You may be working on the relationship while they move further and further away from you.
8. Being perpetually unhappy.
People unable to love are also prone to being unhappy. They may explain this is a new thing or that it's been progressive.
But here's the truth: The unhappiness started with the person and not having a clear foundation of who they are. In more plain terms, they become unhappy because they don't know who they are.
9. Refusing to compromise.
Me, me, me. It's always about them. It's always what they want first. No compromise. They don't care to find out who they are but they will take, take, take. It is always about them.
10. Constantly showing closed-mindedness.
These folks are often very rigid and stuck in their ways. If you can't open yourself up for love, then you're nowhere near ready for a relationship.
If they don't love themselves or have a certain level of respect for themselves, they are not going to have a successful relationship and you should run... like, yesterday.
11. Caring too much about other people's opinions.
People who are incapable of love may rely too heavily on making people like them that they won't have any time to care for your needs or wants. Rather you may end up being the "support system" for them.
You will be the one they look to you to boost their ego when someone doesn't like them.
12. Potentially presenting psychiatric symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder.
Emotional Deprivation Disorder (EDD) is "a syndrome (a grouping of symptoms) which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening by another."
That is, people with EDD were deprived of feeling their own uniqueness or goodness while growing up, causing them to stunt their emotional development. They can't possibly maintain a healthy relationship because they lack the necessary education or knowledge to do so.
It's as if you tried performing brain surgery without going to school for it. You don't know what to do, where to start, or how to react, right? That is what it is like for these people with this disorder.
They were never allowed to understand their feelings, so they have no idea what to do about them, and they are incapable of feeling love because they've never experienced it (or don't realize that they have).
Therefore, they have an inability to form mature relationships.
What does being incapable of love do to a person?
A person who lacks the ability to love may end up having a lonely and unfulfilling life.
Not having love in your life, whether that means giving or receiving it, can lead one to become a deeply unhappy person.
People who live without love in their lives naturally struggle with intimacy, leading to a history of repeated failed relationships.
Most of the time they fear love, people who are incapable of love become that way because they were not shown love as a child.
However, people can work on themselves and learn to love, particularly with help from a qualified therapist.
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Brittney Lindstrom is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor.