Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision


Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision
This article addresses helping gay men develop a vision for their future life partner and offers sug


"Why can't I sustain a relationship for more than two months?" "Aren't there any decent guys out there?" These are common questions raised by many single gay men describing their frustration and hopelessness with their dating quests for true "boyfriend material." Trapped in vicious cycles of unfulfilling dating experiences, many gay men begin to feel powerless, disappointed, and disillusioned. Not only do they begin to lose confidence, but they can even start to succumb to the dangerous stereotypical myth that long-term gay relationships are not possible. "Vision" is one sure-fire way to short-circuit this belief and create opportunities for getting what you most want.



Vision is a process in which you develop a clear image in your mind of where you're headed in your life. It acts as a guidepost, providing you with direction as you make efforts to meet your desired goals. It helps to keep you on track and stay clear in your thinking. It can also be motivating and be a good source of tracking for accountability and measuring progress toward your goal. It requires a lot of self-awareness and knowledge; you must know what your needs are specifically and the skills necessary to achieve your successful outcome.


The concept of vision is not a new one. When you contemplate your future in terms of vocation, money, or health, you are applying principles of vision to guide you. Our society does little to train us on how to date healthily, particularly as gay men. Applying vision to the type of man and relationship you'd like to be in can go a long way toward putting a sense of control back in your dating life again. If we put as much energy into developing a vivid image of our intimate relationships as we do with career decision-making, for example, a lot less floundering will occur in the dating world because our relationship choices will be in alignment with our actual needs. We will be less apt to put ourselves in situations or become involved with men who are not in keeping with our needs and values as a result.


Creating your vision to attract compatible dating partners is a very broad and complex process, but here is a simple exercise to help get you started.

1. Set the tone
Schedule a time where you'll be free from distractions so you can focus all your energy on the task-at-hand. Do some relaxation exercises to help center you. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and rid your mind of all the stresses of your day.

2. Visualize

Let your imagination go and visualize what your lover would be like. If you were to open your eyes and your life could be exactly the way that you would want it to be (with no judgments from others and nothing would stand in the way of your having things be the way you want), life partner and all, what would it look like? Imagine everything and anything about your lover...his personality, appearance, behavior, values, etc. What do you look like and feel like as a result? Let your five senses go wild.

3. Journal

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Brian Rzepczynski


Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, Licensed Relationship Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating, relationship, and sexual enrichment tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

Location: Aurora, IL
Credentials: LCSW, MSW, Other
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support, Gay/Lesbian/Identity Issues, Sex Therapy
Other Articles/News by Brian Rzepczynski:

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