As a relationship expert, with over 22 years of experience working with couples; I have seen a great
If you find that your marriage needs some help, use my five-step process as a sure fire way to bring healing to your marriage instantly.
Step 1: "I hear you."
All humans — men and women alike — have the need to be heard. When you make a conscious choice to actively listen to your spouse, you will be able to hear what he or she is trying to say to you. The best way to do this is to shut off your desire to state your point or make it clear, but rather be quiet and listen.
When your spouse is done speaking simple say to him or her, "I hear you." This simple act will provide your spouse a great gift. For example, your spouse says, "I am so stressed out and tired. I am sick of always having to do all the work around the house!"
You say, "I hear you."
Step 2: “What I hear you saying is..."
After being heard, we want our thoughts, beliefs, or feelings to be validated. In other words, we want to be understood and respected. Therefore, by simply repeating back to your spouse what he or she has said, you will accomplish this.
Using the example from above you would say, "What I hear you saying is that you're stressed, tired, and feeling as if all the work around the house is all your responsibility."
Step 3: “You're right."
This one is hard for many men and women to say because they feel as if they're losing ground with their partner. Actually, the opposite is true. When we validate our partner as being "right", it softens their defensive posturing and opens them up to real communication with you.
To continue with the example, you would then say to your spouse, "You're right."
The fact is that even if you do not agree at all, they are "right" because that is the way he or she feels and perceives the situation.
Step 4: "I'm sorry."
Again, this one can be difficult for some to say. However, genuinely apologizing to your partner for whatever hurt they may be feeling is crucial in keeping your marriage on the right path. Even if you're 100 percent right and what your partner is feeling is not your fault, saying you're sorry for them feeling this way leads to great healing in your marriage.
As we continue with our example, you would simply say, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way."
Step 5: "What can I do to help?"
Up to this point, you've heard, validated, and apologized to your spouse, now it's time for action. Simply say, "What can I do to help?" Then be quite and listen, listen, listen!
If needed, you may need to repeat these five steps again until your spouse calms down, feels heard, and believes that you truly want to help the situation and them.