Why Those "Serious Talks" Won't Help You Get Your Ex Back

Talking about the problems that led to a breakup will only drive your ex even further away.

By Brad Browning — Written on Jul 08, 2014

You've probably heard relationship experts say that "communication is crucial"...in fact, I'd bet that you've read that a thousand times before on this very website. It's absolutely true, though: communication with your partner is very important in any romantic relationship, regardless of how serious it is or what problems you might be enduring.

If you and your partner are arguing frequently or struggling with other issues, then you should take some time to sit down and have a mature discussion to try and address your problems and agree on steps that you can take to prevent them from occurring again in the future. However, if the relationship ends and you move from "trying to sort out problems" to "trying to get back together with your ex," things change dramatically. The type of communication (and the need for it at all) is very different once you've broken up than it was when you were still officially a couple.

Once you've broken up, talking things over with your partner often becomes dangerous.

In fact, generally speaking, it's safe to say that talking to your ex after a breakup is actually worse than not talking to them at all. That's why I advocate for a period of 'radio silence' after a breakup if you're trying to win back an ex.

Simply put, all relationships fail because of one underlying cause: a loss of attraction. If you’ve been dumped, then your partner simply was no longer sufficiently attracted to you, so they no longer wanted to continue with the relationship. Unfortunately, that means that having a "serious talk" with your ex isn't going to solve anything—it's only going to remind your ex of all of the things that made him or her decide to break up with you in the first place.

Sure, some couples can "break up" frequently as a result of an argument, jealousy or some other issue, and in those cases talking things over can be helpful and lead to a positive outcome…but those breakups were unlikely to be permanent anyway, and in reality the "serious discussions" weren't really the catalyst that led to you and your ex getting back together.

If your breakup is of the more serious variety—and if you're reading this article right now, it probably is—then there's only one way to win back your ex's heart and get a second chance with him or her: rebuild the attraction!

Think back to the days when you and your ex first fell in love. It was a wonderful thing, right? There were plenty of smiles, lots of laughter, a strong emotional bond, and passionate physical/sexual romance. These are the emotions and feelings that result from a shared mutual attraction between two people in a romantic relationship.

Fast forward to the last few days and weeks of that same relationship—there weren't many smiles, were there? Not much laughter or passionate sex either, right?

The key to getting back together with your ex then is not to spend hours talking about your problems or arguing about who said what or who was at fault. The key is to bring back the happiness and passion and romance that hold together every happy couple…simply put, you need to re-build your ex's attraction for you to the point that he or she genuinely wants to be with you.

For now, while you're still apart and no longer a couple, forget the "serious talks" and stop trying to discuss the problems that plagued the final stages of your time together. Instead, focus on building attraction and getting back to that happy state when you and your ex first fell in love.

If you can successfully do that, and you're able to rebuild the attraction to the point where your ex actually wants to be around you, then you've won. That's when you'll get the chance to start over with your ex and begin a new, healthier relationship.