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Immediately refrain from these phrases.
By Brad Browning — Last updated on May 01, 2023
As you and your partner get cozy with each other, your relationship will naturally slide into a new comfort zone.
You'll start to not wear makeup around him or go to the bathroom without locking the door. You'll trade in the fitted jeans for the pajama pants and move your pedicure from the bathroom to the living room so you can both watch reruns of That 70s Show.
Along with this newfound physical comfort, you'll also become more verbally relaxed. But despite your rising comfort levels, there are still some comments you should never say to the person you're dating or married to.
If you ever say these things to the person you love, stop:
1. That guy/girl is hot!
It's human nature to check out others from time to time, but there's never a need to tell your partner that you think the cashier is super cute.
As long as you're harmlessly attracted to these people, there's little value in sharing your thoughts or opinions with your partner. Letting your partner know that you find someone else attractive will only cause unnecessary doubt, esteem issues, and worry.
Don't make your partner suffer simply because you spotted some eye candy. Instead, be kind with your words and simply let it be.
2. You always ... or You never ...
Making generalized statements and pointing fingers at your partner is rarely an effective way to get your message across. When you say things like "you always" or "you never" the message gets lost in your hostile tone and your partner will quickly get on the defense.
Instead of directing blame toward your partner, focus on specific situations and break down the issues. Another great way to have a receptive conversation while addressing issues is by replacing the "you" with an "I."
For example, instead of saying "You never help with the dishes" say something along the lines of "I feel like I’m always doing the dishes. I would appreciate it if you helped me with the chores."
3. You can't afford that
No one likes being told what they can't do, especially by their equals. Telling your loved one how they should or shouldn’t spend their money is belittling and out of order. If you and your partner have separate finances then don't tell them what they can and cannot afford.
On the other hand, if you and your partner have shared finances and they are spending unfairly, then it's completely justified to talk to them about the issue.
To avoid insulting your partner, talk about their money management issues in a calm and sensitive way. Use "we" instead of "you," and try your best to be understanding of the situation.
4. The sex was great
Talking about sex in a relationship can be awkward, especially if the truth is embarrassing or hard to say. No matter how tough it may be, you should never tell your partner that sex was great if it wasn't.
Sometimes you may be able to get away with saying nothing, but if the conversation comes up, be honest about the experience. You may temporarily hurt your partner's feelings or insult their sexual prowess, but lying about pleasure is a much more dangerous path to travel.
Instead, tell your partner your likes and dislikes, what turns you on and what kills the mood. Never lie about what feels good and be willing to suggest things that could make the next time more enjoyable.
This may be a dreaded chat to have, but if you get it out the way early you won't have to worry about faking orgasms for the rest of your relationship.
5. Relax
As good as the '80s band Frankie Goes to Hollywood made it sound, telling your partner to "relax" is a big no-no. Strangely enough, when we are told to "relax" or "calm down" we tend to become more hysterical and end up doing the complete opposite of what we're being told.
Instead of telling your lover to "relax" or "chill," try being understanding and supportive about whatever it is that has them so bothered. Let your partner know that you're willing to help sort out their issue and that it'll all be fine soon.
Taking a cool and collected approach is often much more effective for getting your partner to cool down, and it won’t get their blood boiling like "relax" will.
6. Stop asking if you're fat
Body image issues are a serious matter and shouldn't be taken lightly. If your partner has an obsessive habit of asking if they look fat, don't simply dismiss their comments or questions. Instead, step up and be the one that makes them feel good when they can’t do it on their own.
Dealing with the same exhausting question again and again can become frustrating, but if you really care about your partner then you'll want them to feel like the special person they are.
When body image issues come up, don’t get annoyed or freak out, rather let your partner know how attractive you find them. Doing so will boost their self-esteem and open them up to a more loving, appreciative relationship.
7. I hate you
These are the only three words that are arguably as powerful as "I love you."
A part of human nature is overacting when we're upset and saying things we don't actually mean. However, no matter how angry or annoyed you feel, you should never ever tell your partner that you hate them.
Sure, it's normal for a couple to get on each other's nerves, and feeling like you "hate" your partner from time to time comes with the territory. Still, those feelings will pass, but the scar you'll leave when you say those words, will not.
8. Saying anything with a trigger word
A trigger word is one that initiates a certain action or feeling. They can be related to negative past experiences or pet peeves, and whether we know it or not, we all have them. When we get intimate with someone we let our guard down and expose our vulnerabilities.
Sharing our unpleasant or hurtful experiences with our partners is a way of showing trust by letting them in.
Jokingly or not, you should never use this information as the basis of a joke or insult. Calling your partner a name that they've told you will upset them, or rehashing an experience that caused them great pain, is downright cruel.
How many times did your mother tell you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Our job as a partner is to be our significant other's biggest fan, so why would you intentionally hurt the one you love with words that can easily be avoided?
9. If you really loved me ...
Most times, when a partner says, "If you loved me" it's followed by some sort of manipulative stipulation, comment or request. Believe it or not, manipulation is one of the strongest forms of emotional abuse in a relationship. Since love is meant to be unconditional, this type of verbal arm-twisting is greatly frowned upon.
The reason partners may act manipulatively is to get their own way, whether it be in an obvious and fun manner, or sneaky and subtle. If you're turning this phase into something dark or agonizing, it'll only be a matter of time before this unhealthy behavior spirals out of control.
On the other hand, if you're the one facing manipulation then have the spine to stand your ground or walk away.
10. You're just like my ex
It can be tempting to compare your current partner to someone you dated in the past, but bringing up ex-lovers has a time and place. Yes, talking about past relationships or painful events is a normal part of every relationship, but it's important not to compare your current lover to someone who clearly wasn't right for you.
Think about it this way, would you like it if your partner compared you to something you knew they weren't a fan of? Probably not.
If a situation arises where your partner is doing something that reminds you of a painful experience, try explaining to them how you were wronged in a similar way and suggest how they could tweak their behavior.
There's no need to lash out or use such a comparison as a way of getting the person to smarten up. Remember, being honest with your feelings is the most effective way to get what you want and need from a relationship.
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Brad Browning is a relationship coach and expert from Vancouver, Canada with over 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships.