Why You Might Want to Stop Looking for a Man

I know you say you're looking for a loving and committed man to share your life, but I have to ask...have you found yourself yet? I know you've heard this before and it sounds trite, but everyone says it for a good reason. If the answer to the question is no, beats me, or who cares...then you probably have a few steps to take before you're going to attract Mr Right. Here's what I propose: stop focusing on him and start focusing on you.

This is especially true if you're a woman dating over 40. You have your career, friends and family pretty well figured out. I'm betting you do quite well as a single gal. It's also likely you have spent decades taking care of others and are not used to — or even unable to — think of yourself first. Also, you've soaked in more gunk than a sponge sitting in a sink for a month that's never been squeezed out. (Gross analogy, but purposeful.)

You are filled with unfulfilled relationships; twisted body image; ideas of how men are and should be; doubts about your intelligence, personality or worthiness as a partner...I can go on and on. These are the truths that drive your every move (and not just in relation to men). They show up in every part of your life. Maybe you don't have close female friends. Maybe you can't stand your boss but have no idea how to improve the situation. Maybe you have never taken that trip or class that you say you want so badly. And when it comes to men, maybe you don't date at all. Or when you do, you don't get called for a second date. Maybe you stay in bad relationships or only have short, disappointing affairs.

I know people say that "he" shows up when you're not looking. This is not what I'm talking about here. He — the good guy who will make a fantastic husband —shows up when you are ready to receive him.

Here are two stories of women who found their perfect matches after decades of bad relationships with men, and another of a fabulous woman who is dating as she learns how to enjoy being single. All these gals focused on themselves first, and it changed their lives forever.

Debbie M., age 54, fired me after our fourth private coaching session. She decided she wasn't ready for a man after all and wanted to stop dating all together. I suggested we keep working together and just forget men: we'd focus on her. (This is part of my job as a dating and relationship coach. If you want to give up, I'm going to be there to keep you hopeful and moving forward.) Debbie agreed and continued to work on falling in love with herself.

About one month later she was shaking it on the dance floor with a girlfriend. A guy in the band saw her and approached her. It's this man she has been with for over a year now. They just returned from a trip to Kauai. Here are a couple notes she sent me during our time working together:

Bobbi,
Just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going. I had a very nice surprise Valentine weekend. When I got home from work on Saturday, I walked in and candles were lit all over the house. He had a dozen red roses sitting on the table with a glass of wine and a card that actually played fireworks when I opened it. Then we went to dinner and then out dancing. I couldn't have asked for anything better.
~~ Debbie