ProConnect

Why Women Over 40 Should Be Picky Daters…

By

Why Women Over 40 Should Be Picky Daters…
Strike a balance between picky & pushover when dating so you get what you deserve the most, respect.

"I know why you aren't married: you're just too picky!" Women who are single in their 40s, 50s and beyond hear this a lot. After all, what other reason can there be for why you haven't yet snagged a man?

As a woman who became a first-time bride at 47, I heard this a lot—especially from my father. And the word "picky" was said with such disdain, like I wasn't deserving of being selective. Like I should just grab the next guy who would have me.

More from YourTango: Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

When you hear that enough, you can start buying into thinking that your expectations of men are simply too high. Then, as often happens in the black-or-white world many of us live in, our answer is to swing the complete opposite direction. We start accepting less, sticking around too long and putting up with way too much.

As a dating and relationship coach for women over 40, I see this a lot. A perfect example is "New York," a gal who emailed me recently:

"…I like him and decided to give him a few more chances. Another chance to cancel at the last minute, stand me up, never call or seem busy if I called. I was trying to break an old habit of giving up too soon."

In her effort to be more open and give him a chance, she accepted disrespect and his utter lack of integrity. He didn't treat her as if she was special to him in any way: far from it, in fact. Yet she was sticking around.

This is the gigantic question, isn't it? If you're not feeling happy with him, how do you decide if you're expecting too much or not giving him enough time? You don't want to miss out on a good guy, but you don't want to waste your time on the wrong guy either.

I admit that it's hard to get your arms around striking the balance between being picky and being a pushover. This was definitely one of my toughest challenges in my umpteen years of dating. I finally figured out a way to make good decisions around this, and now I teach that as my last step of my Find Hope and then Find Him Coaching Program. I call this step "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

I strongly encourage you to be a picky dater. This is especially true if you’re dating over 40 and clear about who you are and what you want. If you know this, and have articulated your rules and boundaries, then you know your dating must haves.

And more importantly, you know your can't-haves. You may not know early on if he has is your guy, but you tend to know if he isn't. And you just don't have to accept bad behavior. On that you should be Ms. Picky. With the rest of the stuff, chill and give him a chance.

More from YourTango: Dating Rules That Change With Age

When I asked New York if her must-haves included being honored and told the truth, she said "of course" and her decision suddenly seemed quite easy. It was time to bail.

Making these good decisions has everything to do with how you feel about yourself. Do you trust and respect yourself? When you have simple tools like this to guide you to results you can be proud of, it can completely change the way you date.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer

Author

The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!
 


 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

By

It's Monday and you're talking on the phone with a nice guy you're interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this: Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night? You: Yes, that would be nice. Nice Guy: Okay, I'll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I'm ... Read more

Dating Rules That Change With Age

By

“If it were a snake, it would ‘a bit ya!” That’s what Ethel Mertz always said to her husband Fred (Lucy Ricardo’s neighbors in I Love Lucy) when he’d wander around looking for his glasses – which were always on top of his head.  Well, this is what I could have said to my client Carol who hired me to help her ... Read more

3 Mistakes To Stop Making If You Want A Grown-Up Love Story

By

Let's face it: You are an awesome, capable, exceptional woman, we ALL are, but we're getting kinda old and we've been doing, thinking and believing the wrong things about ourselves and about men for a very long time. You can do what I finally did: Let go of all the old thoughts, habits, and behaviors that have been getting in the way of what you ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
upset child

The Top 12 Things Your Kids Think About Your Divorce

It may be an "adult" situation, but the kids are very aware of what's going on.

Staying Dry

Snow White is Full of It: Rethinking the Fairytale

If you want a happily ever after, you must work for one.

Self Improvement: Being Confident Is Everything

More Confidence From A Patch? Dove's Experiment Secret Revealed

Want to feel more beautiful and confident? Here's how.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS