Why Online Dating Is Not for You


Why Online Dating Is Not for You
Online dating is a great way for women 40+ to find & meet men, but for some it's not the way to go.

Last week I hosted a workshop called Get Online, Get Noticed, Get Dates, Exclusively for Women over 40. I had a fantastic time with these smart and lovely women who really want to meet their mate. It was a total blast, and they all left excited and feeling like they had the confidence and tools to get online and go for it.

I met my husband on, so of course I’m an advocate. I think it’s a great way for women over 40 to meet men. That said, I know online dating isn’t for everyone. In fact, I’m well aware that some women are very apprehensive about going online. I’ve heard it all: there are nothing but jerks out there, they all want women younger than me; I never meet men my age who are remotely attractive or interesting; chemistry has to happen in person so why waste time emailing and the other nonsense? Or, the ultimate “I’ve been online before and it sucked.”

More from YourTango: Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

I get that; I really do. Dating in itself can cause all kinds of anxiety. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and be open to rejection. It can often feel like you’re on display, acting desperate or being judged. So the idea of trying to do that successfully while online for (what seems like) the whole world to see definitely compounds the worry.

And you know what? That’s okay. If online dating is a turnoff to you, I completely understand your frustration. I was online on and off for about 10 years before meeting my husband, and most of the time my experience was like yours: it sucked. UNTIL I figured out how to do it in a different way, started enjoying it and then met My Man. (Remember: it only takes One!)

Before you make that final decision about online dating I want to get these points across:

1. If you have DECIDED online dating isn’t for you, then it’s not going to be.

2. If you have DECIDED that older guys aren’t for you, then none will be.

3. If you want a long term GROWNUP partner, there is a heck of a lot more to it than chemistry.

What you believe ends up being true, ladies. I cannot help you change what you’re currently experiencing unless you’re open to acknowledging that what you’re doing isn’t working and that it’s time to do things in a different way. Once you do that, I can most definitely teach and guide you to where you want to ultimately be–which I assume is in a lifetime relationship with a wonderful man.

More from YourTango: Dating Rules That Change With Age

Maybe online dating isn’t the way, but by discounting it as an option you’re missing out on a great way to meet men. If nothing else, online dating gives you practice and helps you meet some nice guys; WHEN you do it the right way and approach it with a positive attitude.

If you’re looking for that instant chemistry thing – and I hear this from clients all the time – you’re most likely going to remain single. Here’s the truth: instant chemistry doesn’t happen often, and when it does it usually fizzles as fast as it fires up. Chemistry is about superficial attraction. That doesn’t last, and it does all kinds of nutty things to our judgment.

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer


The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!


Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?


It's Monday and you're talking on the phone with a nice guy you're interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this: Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night? You: Yes, that would be nice. Nice Guy: Okay, I'll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I'm ... Read more

Dating Rules That Change With Age


“If it were a snake, it would ‘a bit ya!” That’s what Ethel Mertz always said to her husband Fred (Lucy Ricardo’s neighbors in I Love Lucy) when he’d wander around looking for his glasses – which were always on top of his head.  Well, this is what I could have said to my client Carol who hired me to help her ... Read more

3 Mistakes To Stop Making If You Want A Grown-Up Love Story


Let's face it: You are an awesome, capable, exceptional woman, we ALL are, but we're getting kinda old and we've been doing, thinking and believing the wrong things about ourselves and about men for a very long time. You can do what I finally did: Let go of all the old thoughts, habits, and behaviors that have been getting in the way of what you ... Read more

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