Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of experts to you

Why Online Dating Is Not for You

Love

Online dating is a great way for women 40+ to find & meet men, but for some it's not the way to go.

Last week I hosted a workshop called Get Online, Get Noticed, Get Dates, Exclusively for Women over 40. I had a fantastic time with these smart and lovely women who really want to meet their mate. It was a total blast, and they all left excited and feeling like they had the confidence and tools to get online and go for it.

I met my husband on Match.com, so of course I’m an advocate. I think it’s a great way for women over 40 to meet men. That said, I know online dating isn’t for everyone. In fact, I’m well aware that some women are very apprehensive about going online. I’ve heard it all: there are nothing but jerks out there, they all want women younger than me; I never meet men my age who are remotely attractive or interesting; chemistry has to happen in person so why waste time emailing and the other nonsense? Or, the ultimate “I’ve been online before and it sucked.”

I get that; I really do. Dating in itself can cause all kinds of anxiety. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and be open to rejection. It can often feel like you’re on display, acting desperate or being judged. So the idea of trying to do that successfully while online for (what seems like) the whole world to see definitely compounds the worry.

And you know what? That’s okay. If online dating is a turnoff to you, I completely understand your frustration. I was online on and off for about 10 years before meeting my husband, and most of the time my experience was like yours: it sucked. UNTIL I figured out how to do it in a different way, started enjoying it and then met My Man. (Remember: it only takes One!)

Before you make that final decision about online dating I want to get these points across:

1. If you have DECIDED online dating isn’t for you, then it’s not going to be.

2. If you have DECIDED that older guys aren’t for you, then none will be.

3. If you want a long term GROWNUP partner, there is a heck of a lot more to it than chemistry.

What you believe ends up being true, ladies. I cannot help you change what you’re currently experiencing unless you’re open to acknowledging that what you’re doing isn’t working and that it’s time to do things in a different way. Once you do that, I can most definitely teach and guide you to where you want to ultimately be–which I assume is in a lifetime relationship with a wonderful man.

Maybe online dating isn’t the way, but by discounting it as an option you’re missing out on a great way to meet men. If nothing else, online dating gives you practice and helps you meet some nice guys; WHEN you do it the right way and approach it with a positive attitude.

If you’re looking for that instant chemistry thing – and I hear this from clients all the time – you’re most likely going to remain single. Here’s the truth: instant chemistry doesn’t happen often, and when it does it usually fizzles as fast as it fires up. Chemistry is about superficial attraction. That doesn’t last, and it does all kinds of nutty things to our judgment.

By the way…and this is quite personal…I didn’t feel the hot chemistry thing for my husband on the first date. He was simply a nice guy who asked me out. In fact, I was pretty sure it would go absolutely nowhere with him. But had I not said “yes” to his dinner date, I would not be here today. Even thinking of that makes me feel sad.

If you ever consider attending my workshops, or those of other coaches, and if you can honestly come with an open mind; do it! It can very well end up being the best investment you’ll ever make. With an open mind, you would be amazed at what you can accomplish. But if you’re still convinced it can’t work for you and the men you will meet won’t measure up…then it’s not for you.

You know I wish you nothing but love and success.

PS: About that “I never meet men I’m attracted to” thing: I highly recommend you sign up for my free eCourse: The 7 Major Dating Mistakes Women over 40 Make in Their Search for Love.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

From our Partners

Explore YourTango

MOST POPULAR