This came up yesterday as I was talking with my coaching client, Nancy. She used aDate 911 coupon and we talked as she was arriving home after her first date with a man she connected with on plentyofffish.com.
She gave me a detailed account of the he-said-she-said.” She asked me why I thought he seemed to avoid talking about his daughter; do I think they are estranged? Why I thought he wore such casual clothes; wasn’t that disrespectful? Why he ordered soda and not wine; is he an alcoholic? And finally…do I think he was interested?
She had decided he was just another guy who wasn’t for her. She was disappointed, but thought it was “okay, because he probably wasn’t going to call her anyway.”
What’s the answer to all her questions? Beats the heck out of me. I have no idea.
What I do know is that Nancy was spinning out of control. She was over thinking and trying to read his mind. This wasn’t analysis …it was imagination.
Susan was exhausting herself in an attempt to fill in the blanks. She couldn’t live with the mystery or, I think, the possibility of rejection, so like many women do, she veered her story toward the negative.
So I played along and suggested alternative stories. What if his daughter is ill or has passed? Maybe he wore casual clothes because men often feel this initial meeting isn’t a formal date; he waits to impress on the real first date. Maybe he didn’t drink because he wanted to keep his wits and make the best possible impression.