Single and Dating: Why Do Men Find Me Scary?

By

Single and Dating: Why Do Men Find Me Scary?

I heard many versions of that when I was single and dating. My response was: that’s who I am and if he can’t take it, I don’t want him! (I probably added a couple expletives, but I’ll spare you.)

After I finally got sick enough of being alone and having one dating failure after the other, I took a good look at myself. What I saw was that my approach to men was somewhat cold, defensive, and bordering on aggressive.

 

I came right at these poor guys with all I had: big personality, sarcastic wit, strong opinions and personal power. Boom! That was me, and I was freaking proud of it.

In truth, that was my test, and very few men passed. (Nor, did they want to). It was also my armor. That realization – once I was ready to “own” it – changed my life.

I’ve written an eBook and numerous articles about what was behind this. I now know that I was the giant wall standing in my own way. Over the many years I was dating men (or wishing I was), I sabotaged any chance of connecting with them. I see these same giant barriers in most women I coach.

I find this especially true of women who are dating over 40. We can present our power and rich life experience in a way that bombards men. We have fought so long and hard – for respect from men in the workplace, against the objectification of women by media, and in high rates of domestic and dating violence – that it’s hard for us to believe a man would value us past our looks and the sex we provide.

But they can, and they do value smart, strong women. I look around me now and I see loving, kind supportive men who admire women and see them as equal partners.

At the end of this post you will see a list of articles that dig deeper into my beliefs about why we have such trouble trusting men and softening for them. What I want to do here is what I did for Liz after she said “I don’t even know what it looks like to soften for men.”

What follows is the picture I painted for her of her first 10 minutes with a man; bringing out the beautiful, feminine woman that she is.

You have thrown on your summer dress and cute sandals, paid some attention to your hair and nails, and you:

* Approach smiling, standing straight, and looking right at him. (That screams: you are joyful, confident, and interested.)

* Start the conversation with a comment that is light and positive, and reveals something nice about you. (I had a great time taking my dog to the park today. Did you have a good day?)

* Keep eye contact, keep the conversation interesting but light, and continue to reveal your qualities (that he would like) and showing your interest in him. (No life stories needed girlfriend. This is just about getting to a real date.)

* Laugh if he’s funny, compliment him if you see something or he says something you like. Help him feel good about himself; whether you want to date him or not. (Good dating karma, baby. And you’ll like yourself better for being kind.)

* Twirl your hair, put your chin down with eyes up, touch his arm. (If you’re interested, that is. And, yes, this actually does attract men; has for centuries.)

* Let him pay, open your door, and walk you to your car. (Even if your car is 10 steps away.)

* Thank him, look him in the eye, smile and tell him how much you enjoyed yourself.

I know…these are basics. It’s easy stuff, right? But honestly…are you doing this?

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer

Dating Coach

The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!
 


 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

4 Ways To Learn About His Past Relationships Without Being Sneaky

By

The general belief is that you learn a lot about someone by knowing their relationship history. Find out the details about his marriages and romances that didn't work out and you'll get a good idea of whether or not he's relationship worthy, right? When we're dating after 40, the men we're meeting have decades of this history. They can ... Read more

The Truth About Bachelors (And George Clooney Is Living Proof)

By

When I say these two words—"men" and "commitment"—what comes to mind? Men are commitment phobes? Men are afraid of marriage? Men just want the milk without buying the cow? Anything like this pop into your brain? A lot of women—especially women who are dating over 40 — believe that men are far more interested in ... Read more

A Single Guy's Tell-All: What Men Really Think Of Your Body

By

This post is from a 50-something anonymous Man-Fan. He took his time to share his experience and point of view on what grown up men find attractive in women. I absolutely love what he's sharing with you. Soak it up! And thank you, Mr. ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS