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Is Your Dream Guy Right In Front Of You?

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Is Your Dream Guy Right In Front Of You?
When a woman dating over 40 overthinks her situation, she might overlook the perfect partner.

"If it were a snake, it would 'a bit ya!" That's what Ethel Mertz always said to her husband Fred (Lucy Ricardo's neighbors in I Love Lucy) when he'd wander around looking for his glasses – which were always on top of his (bald) head. Do you remember that?

Well, this is what I could have said to my client Carol who hired me to help her break up with her boyfriend Hugh. Carol had been happily married for many years before she was widowed at the age of 53. She met Hugh a year or so after her husband died. They had fun dating and exploring Los Angeles, and they enjoyed each other's company.

More from YourTango: It's An Art: Exactly What To Say To Men In Difficult Situations

Carol didn't take this relationship too seriously since he was the first man she dated other than her late husband. (They had been married 25 years.) She was ready for love again but knew she should “play the field” in order to find the right guy.

So, she called me to help her figure out how to do the dirty deed and let Hugh down easy. She then wanted to search for and find the Mr. Right for this phase of her life.

Great! Perfect! That's what I do. That's what I love to do, so we got to work.

I listened to Carol tell me about Hugh, their relationship and her reasons for the break up. I immediately saw the image of Fred Mertz with his glasses on his head. I could tell that Hugh was a good man. And I thought it was pretty clear that he loved her.

I also knew that Carol was not ready to hear this, so I asked her to put the break up on hold while we worked on discovering and defining the man and relationship that would truly make her happy for the long term. (This is Step 2 of my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him system, Who is He: Getting Past Your List.)

She asked Hugh if he would wait a bit; and it was no surprised to me that he agreed. (That's what men in love do.)

As Carol and I worked together, and we defined and honed what she wanted, it became clear to both of us that she had already found her guy! She was just too busy listening to the “story” she told herself about playing the field and not jumping into anything.

You know all those stories you still tell yourself that may have been true when you were 25 but are silly now that you're dating grownup men? Like “I need to play hard to get or he won't like me” or “All men only want sex?” This "I should date more" was just another one of those stories.

More from YourTango: Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

The beauty of being "of certain age" is that you know yourself better than ever. Your well-earned life experience has taught you what works and what doesn't…for you. Unlike in your 20s or even 30s, you know yourself and what makes you happy, so you can (usually) trust your instincts.

Larry, my fantastic husband, and I were married within six months of our first date. Now this isn't something I would recommend for a 25 year old. But at this age we knew ourselves, we knew what we wanted and didn't want and, well, we just knew. There was no need to play any games or play the field. We didn't have to wait because other people told us to. We knew life doesn't last forever, and we both wanted to seize the happiness we felt together.

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer

Author

The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!
 


 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

It's An Art: Exactly What To Say To Men In Difficult Situations

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In dating, good communication is the key to meeting and attracting men … especially the right men. It's also the key to developing and maintaining fulfilling relationships. When you love on purpose, you communicate on purpose. One of the most important ways I support my coaching clients is by helping them communicate well with men. Online or ... Read more

Should Women Be Responsible For Confirming Their Dates With Men?

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It's Monday and you're talking on the phone with a nice guy you're interested in. After some chit-chat he finally asks you out on a date. It goes something like this: Nice Guy: Do you want to go out for dinner Saturday night? You: Yes, that would be nice. Nice Guy: Okay, I'll call you later in the week to firm up the plans. I'm ... Read more

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“If it were a snake, it would ‘a bit ya!” That’s what Ethel Mertz always said to her husband Fred (Lucy Ricardo’s neighbors in I Love Lucy) when he’d wander around looking for his glasses – which were always on top of his head.  Well, this is what I could have said to my client Carol who hired me to help her ... Read more

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