Key #2 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Assess Your List


Key #2 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Assess Your List
To find the man who's right for you, assess your "list" and determine what's REALLY important.

Key #2 to Finding Hope and Finding Him: Assess Your List
This is the second in a series of articles sharing my 5 Keys to Finding Hope and Finding Him. The 5 Keys are:

M - Me and Me first.
A - Assess your list.
S - Shed your stuff.
T - Time to get out and Trail blaze.
R - Real women find their man.

Most of you probably have a list of what you want in a man. It may not be on paper…but you have one. It usually includes things like:

  • Honest
  • Tall
  • Funny
  • Good looking
  • Financially stable

When I was doing the work of shifting and learning so I could find my ideal mate, I realized these were just a bunch of adjectives. They didn’t give me any real help in visualizing the experience of the man who would truly make me happy…forever.

So I did it differently, and it led me to my perfect partner. Now when I do this step with my coaching clients, I have you do it the same way. We dig deeper, and I ask you to start thinking about the man and the relationship that will fulfill you and make you happy – not just for a night or a few months, but for a lifetime.

Being a good date and being a good life partner can be very, very different. Many of us, me included, tend to pick based on whether he’s a good date. That has nothing to do with whether he’ll be a good husband.

I know…you deserve to be picky, right? But picky isn’t a good thing and doesn’t tend to serve us well. There is another way to look at how you make your choices.

Christie Hartman, PhD, the author of It's Not Him, It's You, makes a brilliant distinction between being picky and being discriminating. Picky, she says, is being fussy. It’s when you require close attention to all details, reveal a sometimes-extreme concern for niceties, and are choosy or fastidiously selective.

On the other hand, discriminating is when you mark or perceive the distinguishing or peculiar features of something; distinguish or differentiate: make a distinction; use good judgment.

See the difference?

One of my telecourse clients once did this exercise like this:

I am picky when I eliminate someone because of how he looks (short/worn clothing) or when he acts a little shy. I am discriminating when I eliminate someone because he lives in his mother’s garage, asks to move in with me on a first date, has little education or hates to touch.

Here is part of the exercise I did for myself and do when I am coaching. It’s my unique way of digging in and getting to what will make you happy in the long run:

  • Start with how you want to feeeel.
  • Translate that to a quality and behavior.

As an example: We all have “tall” on our list, right? Most women do, and they consider it a must-have. But why? Why do you want him to be tall? How does it make you feel when you’re with a tall guy? Do you feel attractive? Feminine? Safe?

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer

Dating Coach

The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!


Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

Why Midlife Sex Is The Best Sex


Can I make a few assumptions? If you’re reading this you are most likely a woman over 40, single and looking. You are probably dating, or hoping to. You are either nearing menopause, in menopause or post-menopausal. Taken together, here’s what that tells me: You are facing the prospect of having new sexual partners. After all, you have hopes of ... Read more

Let's Get Physical, Or Should We? 5 Tips For Midlife Dating


Wanna hear your body talk? If the idea of having sex in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond is intimidating, you are not alone. I get a lot of questions about the whats and hows of having sex “in this day and age” and at this stage of life. You crave intimacy, but the last thing you want is to sleep with a guy and get hung up like an 18-year-old. ... Read more

3 “Ah-Ha!” Differences Between Dating Men And Boys


If you are a single woman in her 40s, 50s or beyond, I have a question for you: When you look at yourself today, are you the same person you were in your 20s or 30s? Have many of your priorities changed? Has experience taught you new life skills and shifted your perspective on things you previously held as absolute truth? And what about when it comes to ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular