How women over 40 who date can learn how to find the right man online or out and about.
No matter your age, the way to connect with a man in the "I think you're hot and would be interested in going out with you" way is to flirt. It's as true online as in person; flirtation isn't about being a tease—it's about showing your interest and curiosity, and piquing his.
When I suggest that to the mature over-40 single women in my dating workshops and coaching programs, I can see them cringe. Most of these otherwise outgoing women have no idea how to flirt with men, nor do they want to. They consider it quite childish, bordering on classless.
I have news for you: Here is what you get when you don't flirt with nice men: a nice conversation. That's it. You're likely to stay in the dreaded friend zone. That means online you'll never hear from him again, and offline he might ask you for lunch, but that’s all you're going to get.
But you're not looking for a buddy, right? When you see a man you're attracted to, you want to be seen as a W-o-m-a-n! You want to be seen as someone he could enjoy being with and having sex with.
Now, don't get all ruffled about the sex thing. Isn't this just like you? When you're attracted to someone you usually imagine hanging out with him, kissing him, holding his hand (that was me) and/or jumping into bed. Men are pretty much the same, though they may skip the other stuff and go straight for fantasizing about the sex!
Here are four ways to flirt with flair and class—whether online or off—so you can get him to go past the conversation and ask you out again and again:
1. Compliment him.
Have you ever noticed that we use compliments to connect with other women? "I love your purse!", "Your job sounds amazing!", "You crack me up!", and so forth are typically used.
Why don't you do that with men? Granted, it takes a different approach, but everyone likes to be complimented. Men love to know that you consider them to be smart, capable, fascinating, and funny. A sincere compliment in those areas will take you a huge step forward toward connection. (Ahem: note the word "sincere").
You can tell him he has nice eyes, and he'll appreciate it. But that won't go so far as more substantive compliments. A confident, grownup, good guy needs to hear more than you think that he's cute or you like his dog.
Tell him you agree with something he says; ask his opinion; let him suggest a book or restaurant; tell him you appreciate his jokes or that his business sounds interesting. Tell him you want to know more about something he's interested in. When you're online, pick something that stands out to you that the other thousands of women may not. Saying you like his dog is what every woman says. Instead, tell him you think it's cool that he's an engineer and ask him what he likes to create.
Men rarely receive compliments from women. When you do, you will stand out and he will take a second look. And if he doesn't end up asking you out, at minimum, you helped a nice guy feel good about himself. You do that for other women all the time, right?
2. Bare bits of your sweet soul.
Write like you're chatting with him. I recommend that my clients ask and answer this question out loud: What do I like about him and what do I want him to know about me? Then just have a little conversation with yourself. This helps you get the words out so you can communicate in a genuine and open way.
When you write, let him know some real stuff about you. Share a funny or embarrassing thing that happened to you today. That tells him that you're willing to be open and not take things too seriously (those are attractive qualities, don't you think?) Tell him that you're excited about taking your niece to the park and swinging on the swings with her. Tell him you're studying French because you have dreams of going to Paris. Don't make it only about your accomplishments and how perfect your life is. That's not the stuff that forms bonds between people looking for love.
More flirting tips from YourTango:
This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.