Have you ever found yourself in a sexual lull? Maybe you're in one right now. During my oh-so-many single years, I used to call my gaps in dating and intimacy "being on hiatus." And the hiatuses were often pretty long. (Sorry…TMI?)
The truth is that extended periods of celibacy are somewhat common for single women over 40. Unlike our earlier years of joyful experimentation and bed-hopping, most of us aren't sleeping with any guy that comes along. (Yes…pun intended.)
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While these lulls can seem perfectly right for you at the time, lengthy abstinence can affect future relationships and sexual encounters. Whether it’s been a few months or a few years, it can still be the beginning of a troublesome path.
The old phrase “use it or lose it” pertains here. Going too long without sexual pleasure can cause you to become complacent. The memory of achieving pleasure can fade, which can numb you to the idea of intimacy and even make it seem like something unpleasant or unnecessary.
I suppose you can live without sex, but do you really want to? Many of my private coaching clients who had given up hope of ever being in love or having sex again have met wonderful men and are reinvigorating their sexual lives. They’re having a lot of fun and feeling even better about themselves as women. Once again it's become an important part of their lives.
If you're on your own hiatus, how can you prevent this sort of slippery slope to celibacy?
Let's agree that sex without intimacy is not the best option. While it may feel good from the waist down, for most of us gals it’s bad for the neck up. (If it works for you, btw, I think it's great. This is not a condemnation of anyone's individual choice here.)
So what’s the alternative? Like many other things you do competently for yourself until a partner shows up, the immediate alternative is to give yourself pleasure. I know this topic can be a little uncomfortable, but it's a reality in the lives of most single women in their 40s, 50s and beyond. So let's get it out there: masturbation can be a great way to maintain your sexuality and sense of femininity during your lulls.
You may have come out of a loveless, sexless marriage that lasted way too many years. Or maybe you once led a sexually fulfilling lifestyle and have since stopped doing so because you haven't had a steady relationship in your life. Maybe menopause has slowed you down.
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Regardless, pleasuring yourself is a positive, healthy activity that I recommend you consider. If you're not already partaking on a somewhat regular basis, maybe it's time to explore the possibility. This might hold the answer to getting yourself excited about intimacy again. It can improve your spirits. It can help you relax and give you confidence. Oh…and it can feel great!
If you’ve never looked into adult products (aka sex toys), you may be completely shocked at the ways in which they can enhance your sexual and sensual experiences. Not only does using adult products help you during your lulls, but many men find incorporating sex toys into their love making a real turn on.